


François-Dupont Performs Be More Chill

by BooksRBetterThanPeople



Series: François-Dupont Plays 🎭 [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Be More Chill play, Be More Chill songs, F/F, F/M, M/M, You know what happens, enjoy this trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 19,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksRBetterThanPeople/pseuds/BooksRBetterThanPeople
Summary: The drama teacher announces that the school will be performing Be More Chill, and the Akuma Class is excited when they get parts in the show
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Marc Anciel/Nathaniel Kurtzberg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng & Lê Chiến Kim, Nino Lahiffe & Adrien Agreste
Series: François-Dupont Plays 🎭 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925020
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	1. Auditions

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hamilton Play](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26143381) by [Nottheromangod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nottheromangod/pseuds/Nottheromangod). 



  * Mme. Bustier announced that that school would be putting on a production of Be More Chill. The students were getting excited since the show was so popular
  * They could sing any song from the Musical or perform an monologue when they auditioned, and wear outfits that would remind one of the characters they were going for
  * Adrien loves Be More Chill and immediately went for the role of Jeremy Heere. He went up on stage in a blue cardigan and sang More Than Survive (Reprise)
  * When Marinette heard Adrien auditioned and got the part, she lost her shit when she got the role of Christine. She didn’t even know he auditioned.
  * She made and wore Christine’s green dress, and sang I Love Play Rehearsal
  * Nino only auditioned for Michael for three reasons. 1. To wear that awesome hoodie Marinette made 2. To drink slushees 3. To play Adrien’s best bro on stage.
  * He sang Michael’s part in Two Player Game
  * Alya just wanted an excuse to be on her phone for most of the play, and to make sure Marinette didn’t mess up on her lines every time she was near Adrien.
  * She wore neons and sang Jenna’s part in Smartphone Hour
  * The Australia production had two SQUIPS, so the drama teacher decided “Why not?”
  * Alix was originally going to audition to be one of the SQUIPS, but when she heard that Nathaniel and Marc were auditioning for the roles, she, being an amazing wingwoman went for Rich, and crushed it.
  * She just wore a blue tank top, camo shorts, and sang the Squip Song Instead of Rich Goranski, there’s Rachel Goranski
  * Kim was a natural Jake Dillinger. He was honestly just being himself.
  * He sang Jake’s part in Upgrade
  * Mylène loves the theater, so of course she auditioned.
  * She did audition for Christine, but her vocal range was more like Brooke’s, plus... Adrinette!
  * She also sang I Love Play Rehearsal
  * Max didn’t want any major speaking roles, and he wasn’t that great at singing, so he went for Mr. Reyes
  * He just auditioned with one of Reyes’ monologues
  * Juleka also didn’t want a major speaking role, so she went for Scary Stockboy. 
  * Hey, if Alix is playing Rich, why not have a scary stockgirl?
  * Aurore loved the Musical, and Chloe Valentine was one of her favorite characters.
  * She sang Do You Wanna Hang
  * Nathaniel was honestly the best SQUIP. He sang the SQUIP’s part in Be More Chill part 1, and just sounded amazing.
  * This was the first time anyone has ever heard him sing
  * He wore a black hoodie with blue circuits he painted on himself
  * When Marc sang Pitiful Children wearing a leather jacket, cyan tank top, black skinny jeans, and black pumps, all Nathaniel could think was “Please step on me with those.” 
  * Marc and Nathaniel got the roles of Jeremy’s SQUIPS, and silently squealed, excited that they’d be singing together
  * The rest of the students who auditioned but didn’t get a part would be playing background characters, and SQUIPS




	2. Cast List

**Cast List**

Jeremy Heere... Adrien Agreste

Christine Canigula... Marinette Dupain-Cheng

Michael Mell... Nino Lahiffe

Rich Goranski... Alix Kudbel

Jake Dillinger... Lê Chéin Kim

Chloe Valentine... Aurore Beauréal

Brooke Lohst... Mylène Haprèle

Jenna Rolan... Alya Césaire

Mr. Reyes... Max Kante

Scary Stockboy... Juleka Couffaine

SQUIP... Marc Anciel/Nathaniel Kurtzberg

Mr. Heere... Ivan Bruel


	3. More Than Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien just wants to survive high school

_A spotlight shines on Adrien. He’s seated at a desk, and in front of him is a laptop. He's furiously waiting for something to load. The audience get the impression it might be homework or something huge..._

Adrien:  
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO   
I'M WAITING FOR MY PORNO TO LOAD   
MY BRAIN IS GONNA FRIKKIN EXPLODE   
AND NOW OF COURSE IT'S TIME TO HIT THE ROAD   
WHICH MEANS I'LL BE UNCOMFORTABLE ALL DAY

_He gets up, picks up a blue cardigan that was on the floor and puts it on, followed by a pair of blue jeans and converse_

BUT THAT REALLY ISN'T SUCH A CHANGE   
IF I'M NOT FEELING WEIRD OR SUPER STRANGE   
MY LIFE WOULD BE IN UTTER DISARRAY   
CUZ FREAKING OUT IS MY OK   
GOOD MORNING, TIME TO START THE DAY

C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO

_The scene changes to a bathroom. Adrien looks at himself in the mirror. Lifts up his shirt to check for muscles. Ivan, dressed in a white t-shirt and red boxers enters_

Adrien: Dad! Haven't you heard of privacy?

Ivan: We're all men in this house. Pretend we're in the army.

Adrien: Just... When I get home... Please have pants on. Okay?

_Ivan salutes him_

Ivan: Ten-hut.

_Ivan walks away. Students place chairs in a row and sit while Adrien continues singing_

Adrien:   
NOW SHOULD I TAKE THE BUS OR WALK INSTEAD?   
I FEEL MY STOMACH FILLING UP WITH DREAD   
WHEN I GET NERVOUS MY WHOLE FACE GOES RED   
DUDE, WEIGH THE OPTIONS CALMLY AND BE STILL

_Adrien walks by the students, each are doing their own thing. Listening to music, putting on makeup, etc._

A JUNIOR ON THE BUS IS KILLER WEAK   
BUT IF I WALK WHEN I ARRIVE I'M GONNA STRAIGHT-UP REEK   
AND MY BOXERS WILL BE BUNCHY AND MY PITS WILL LEAK OH, GAH, I WISH I HAD THE SKILL   
TO JUST BE FINE AND COOL AND CHILL

I DON'T WANT TO BE A HERO   
JUST WANNA STAY IN THE LINE   
I'LL NEVER BE A ROB DENIRO   
FOR ME, JOE PESCI IS FINE 

AND SO I FOLLOW MY OWN RULES AND I USE THEM AS MY TOOLS   
TO STAY ALIVE   
I DON'T WANT TO BE SPECIAL, NO NO I JUST WANNA SURVIVE

_Students buzz around and sing along with him_

Adrien/Students:   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO

_Adrien goes to a row of lockers, where Aurore and Myléne gossip. Alya is trying to wedge her way into the conversation_

Aurore: So Jenna Rolan said Madeline told Jake, "I'll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool." And then she lost at pool. Deliberately!

Myléne: That is so awesome

Aurore: Brooke!

Myléne: I mean slutty!

Alya: And then Madeline was all—

Aurore: I'm telling this story, Jenna!

 _Aurore sees Adrien_ _and steers the girls away_

Aurore: Oh my God. He is like totally getting off on that.

_Adrien runs into Alix_

Alix: Yo, don't touch me, tall-ass!

Adrien: Sorry, I was just... trying to get to my...

_Alix turns him against a locker and writes something on his backpack with a marker_

Adrien: ... Locker!

Alix: You wash that off, you're dead!

_Kim walks down the hall. Alix greets him with a fist bump_

Alix: Jakey D! What's the story with Madeline?

Kim: Hey, I shouldn't say. But it's a good thing I rock at pool.

_The two go off together. Adrien waits until they're gone before turning around_

Adrien:   
I NAVIGATE THE DANGEROUS HALL   
FOCUS ON A POSTER THERE ON THE WALL   
AVOIDING ANY EYE CONTACT AT ALL   
AND TRYING HARD TO REMAIN UNSEEN 

THE POSTER'S CLOSER NOW, AND WHAT DOES IT SAY?   
IT'S A SIGN-UP FOR THE AFTER SCHOOL PLAY...   
IT'S A SIGN-UP SHEET FOR GETTING CALLED GAY   
AND THAT'S NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW, AND SCENE I HANG A LEFT AND THERE'S

_There’s Marinette drinking water from a fountain. Adrien is transfixed_

Adrien:   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CANIGULA.   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...

Marinette: Excuse me…

_Adrien snaps out of the hypnotic moment when Marinette calls for him_

Adrien: Yeah?

Marinette: Uh, I think someone wrote "BOYF" on your backpack?

_Adrien quickly takes off his backpack and looks at it. Indeed, Alix had wrote the letters "B-O-Y-F"_

Adrien: I... Uh...

_Adrien bolts, leaving Marinette confused. With a shrug, she skips away. Adrien return as the stage hands turn the hallway into a cafeteria setting before running off._

Adrien:   
OH THAT WAS SMOOTH, YEAH THAT WAS SUPER PIMP   
MY MACK DADDY GAME COULDN'T BE MORE LIMP   
NO TIME TO WALLOW, NO, INSTEAD   
JUST CLEAR YOUR BRAIN AND MOVE AHEAD   
ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO'LL BE A VIRGIN 'TILL HE DIES

_Adrien grabs a lunch tray off of a table. The students once again dance around him._

Adrien:   
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BALLER   
JUST WANT SOME SKILLS TO COUNT ON   
IF MY NUTS WERE ANY SMALLER   
THEY WOULD BE TOTALLY GONE

IF I CONTINUE AT THIS RATE   
THE ONLY THING I'LL EVER DATE   
IS MY MACBOOK PRO HARD DRIVE   
I DON'T WANNA TO BE CLOONEY, NO NO   
I JUST WANNA SURVIVE

_The students clear the way as reggae music plays_

Adrien: Michael!

_Nino dance-walks over to Adrien_

Nino:   
JEREMY, MY BUDDY, HOW'S IT HANGING? LUNCH IS BANGING   
HAD MY SUSHI, GOT MY SLUSHY AND MORE

_He takes a sip of his cherry slushy_

Nino:   
THE ROLL WAS NEGIMAKI AND I'M FEELING PRETTY COCKY   
CUZ THE GIRL AT SEV ELEV GAVE ME A GENEROUS POUR

Adrien: You're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you?

Nino:   
OH! I'M LISTENING TO MARLEY, AND THE GROOVE IS HELLA GNARLY   
AND WE'RE ALMOST AT THE END OF THE SONG   
YEAH, THAT WAS THE END, NOW TELL ME FRIEND,   
HOW WAS CLASS, YOU LOOK LIKE ASS, WHAT'S WRONG?

_Adrien shows him his backpack_

Adrien: "BOYF", what does that even mean?

_Nino turns his own backpack around, to reveal someone has written: "RIENDS". Together, the bags spell "BOYFRIENDS." Nino grins and takes a selfie_

Nino: My mothers would be thrilled!

Adrien: I hate this school. So, I wrote Christine a letter telling her how I feel.

Nino: That's progress!

Adrien: Yeah, I tore it up and flushed it.

_Nino rolls his eyes as he takes another sip of his slushy. They walk over to a lunch table and take their seats._

Adrien: That's still progress.

Nino: It's all good. I saw on Discovery, that humanity has stopped evolving.

Adrien: That's good?

Nino: Evolution's survival of the fittest, right? But now, because of technology...you don't have to be strong to survive. Which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser! So own it! Why try to be cool when you can be—

_Adrien sees Marinette slowly approaching the sign-up sheet being held up by a stage hand wearing all black._

Adrien: Signing up for the play!

Nino: I was gonna say "getting stoned in my basement", but—

_Now Nino sees Marinette_

Adrien: No! Look who’s signing up for the play!

CHRISTIIIIIINE...

Nino:   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...

Adrien/Nino:   
CHRISTIIIIIINE... CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CANIGULA!

_Kim and Alix pick up Marinette and carry her over to the sign-up sheet so she can sign it._

Adrien/Nino:   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...   
CHRISTIIIIIINE...

_Kim and Alix set her down in the middle of the stage, and everyone gathers around her_

Everyone:   
CHRISTIIIIIINE CANIGULA   
CHRISTIIIIIINE... CANIGULA!

_Adrien slowly walks to the sign-up sheet_

Adrien:   
I FEEL MY BODY GET UP FROM THE CHAIR   
I SEE MY CONVERSE WALKING OVER THERE   
I TAKE A SHAKY BREATH AND I PREPARE   
WHO CARES IF PEOPLE THINK I'M LAME

CHRISTINE SIGNED, I'LL DO THE SAME   
I GRAB THE PEN, I WRITE MY NAME

_As soon as he signs, Alix shouts out:_

Alix: GAAAAYYY! Hahaha!

_The students laugh_

Aurore: I like gay people.

Adrien:   
I'M NEVER GONNA BE THE COOL GUY   
I'M MORE THE ONE WHO'S LEFT OUT   
OF ALL THE CHARACTERS AT SCHOOL   
I AM NOT THE ONE WHO THE STORY'S ABOUT

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST HELP ME OUT   
AND TEACH ME HOW TO THRIVE   
HELP ME TO MORE THAN SURVIVE   
MORE THAN SURVIVE   
MORE THAN SURVIVE

_Everyone joins in, as the general hustle of school commences_

Adrien: IF THIS WAS AN APOCALYPSE   
I WOULD NOT NEED ANY TIPS   
IN HOW TO STAY ALIVE

BUT SINCE THE ZOMBIE ARMY'S YET TO DESCEND   
AND THE PERIOD IS GOING TO END   
I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO PASS THE TEST   
AND SURVIVE 

  
EVERYONE:   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO (SURVIVE)   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO   
C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO   
GO GO GO GO   
GO GO GO GO   
GO GO GO GO

_The crowd cheers and applauded as the students prepare for the next scene_


	4. I love Play Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marinette expresses her love for the theater

_Adrien and Nino stand in the middle of the stage before prop double door with a sign labeled ‘auditorium’ taped on one of the doors. Adrien hesitates to grab the handle._

Adrien: I guess evolution's not for everyone.

Nino: Dude, you don't have to do this. Of course, I'll mock you forever if you don't.

_Adrien pumps himself up_

Adrien: C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO GO

C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO—

_Nino and one other stagehand pushes the doors away, revealing Marinette, sitting in the middle of the stage and reading. She looks up and waves_

Marinette: Hi!

Adrien: Hey. Is this where you meet for the play?

Marinette: Nope. This is where you meet for the swim team... I'm joking.

Adrien: I’m Jeremy! I mean…

_He stands there awkwardly for a moment_

Marinette: Are you okay?

Adrien: Hnnh.

Marinette: You seem nervous.

Adrien: No, I always...sweat this much.

Marinette: I get it. You're a virgin.

_Adrien stammers a bit_

Marinette: First play rehearsal!

Adrien: You think I'm nervous about play rehearsal!

Marinette: Why else would you be shaking? A lot?

Adrien: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, totally freaked.

Marinette: It's okay. I'm a little jealous actually. You never forget your first. Play rehearsal. Coming here is the highlight…

Adrien: Of your day?

Marinette: Yeah, right.

_Marinette sets her book down and stands_

Marinette: Of my life!

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL  
BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST   
BECAUSE IT IS FUN

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL   
AND I GET DEPRESSED   
AS SOON AS IT'S DONE

_Off Adrien’s expression, she explains_

Marinette:   
BUT NOT DEPRESSED AS IN, LIKE, "KILL YOURSELF" DEPRESSED   
NO, I'M NOT INTO SELF HARM   
DUDE, I SWEAR, HERE, CHECK MY ARM

_She rolls up her sleeve. No cut marks are visible_

Marinette:   
SEE, I JUST USED THE WORD TO EMPHASIZE A POINT   
TO SHOW THE PASSION THAT I'VE GOT   
I AM PASSIONATE A LOT

AND I HAVE MAD GIGANTIC FEELINGS   
RAD AND FRANTIC FEELINGS   
ABOUT MOST EVERYTHING   
LIKE GUN CONTROL, LIKE SPRING

LIKE IF I'M LIVING UP TO ALL I'M MEANT TO BE  
I ALSO HAVE A TOUCH OF ADD...

_She stared off into space for a bit, making the audience laugh. She blinks in realization_

Marinette: Where was I?... Oh, right!

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL   
CUZ YOU ARE EQUIPPED   
WITH DIRECTIONS AND TEXT

LIFE IS EASY IN REHEARSAL   
YOU FOLLOW A SCRIPT   
SO YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT

ANYHOO, THE POINT THAT I'M GETTING TO IS SOMETIMES LIFE CAN'T WORK OUT IN THE WAY   
IT WORKS OUT IN THE PLAY   
LIKE THE ONLY TIME I GET TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION

IS WHEN I'M JULIET OR BLANCHE DUBOIS AND CAN I MENTION

...that was really one of my best roles, did you see that? I was incredibly commanding, I think. It made me feel like there just aren't strong roles for women in theater these days, particularly high school theater, do you find that? Because I totally find that—

_She continues singing_

Marinette:   
AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY   
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO NARROW DOWN THE MANY REASONS WHYYYYY

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL   
I HAPPINESS CRY   
WHENEVER IT STARTS

ITS JUST SO UNIVERSAL GETTING TO TRY PLAYING SO MANY PARTS   
MOST HUMANS DO ONE THING FOR ALL OF THEIR LIVES THE THOUGHT OF THAT GIVES ME HIVES   
I'VE GOT SO MANY INTERESTS I WANT TO PURSUE   
AND WHY MY TELLING THIS TO YOU?...

GUESS THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO!

_Adrien looks at her, hopeful_

Adrien: Really?

Marinette: There's also a part of me that wants to do this.

_She stands on top of a chair, then backflips off, much to everyone’s shock. The school klutz achieved a backflip_

Marinette: So I did it!

Adrien: Uh...

Marinette:   
BACK TO PLAY REHEARSAL   
MY BRAIN IS LIKE BZZZ   
MY HEART IS LIKE WOW

BECAUSE WE'RE HERE AT PLAY REHEARSAL   
AND IT'S STARTING   
WE'RE STARTING   
IT'S STARTING   
SOON   
OOO

Adrien: So where's everyone else?

Marinette: We've been slipping in membership lately. I guess it's just the two of us—

_Kim, Alix, Myléne, Alya, and Aurore enter in a flurry of noise: "Woo-hoo!" "Let's start this party!" "Has this theater always been here?"_

Adrien: Aw, gah!

_Max enters, carrying a clipboard_

Max: Oh thank Jesus, the popular students have arrived. Hello, everyone! My name is Mr. Reyes. You may recognize me from Drama Class, or my full-time job, at the Hobby Lobby. I've been dreaming of the day I get to stage William Shakespeare's classic "A Midsummer Night's Dream"—

_Marinette claps_

Marinette: YES!

Max: And today, that dream dies.

Marinette: What?

Max: And is reborn! Just... slightly mutated. The school has informed me that, unless I increase our popularity, our funds will be diverted. To the Frisbee Golf Team. Which is why our production will be set, not in a pastoral forest, but a post- apocalyptic future. Instead of frolicking with fairies, there will be fleeing. From zombies.

Marinette: Don't you care about Shakespeare?!

_Max pats her on the head_

Max: The man is dead. Let it go. We will now take a five-minute break so I can eat a Hot Pocket.

_The popular kids follow him out, in a flurry of noise similar to their entrance_

Kim: Woo hoo!

Alix: Theatre is easy, yo!

Max: So what's the story with Jake and Madeline?

_Kim shrugs him off and hangs back with Marinette_

Kim: Hey. You were in that play last year.

Marinette: You mean Romeo and Juliet?

Kim: Yeah, you were that girl who died!

Marinette: You mean Juliet?

Kim: Yeah! That was depressing.

Marinette: Thanks…

Kim: But...you were good. I'm Jake.

Marinette: I... know

_Kim looks a little awkward. Pretending to flirt with his childhood friend in front of her crush_

Kim: Cool... Can I say something stupid? When I saw you die in the play last year... That was like the saddest I'd felt in a long time. It was like everything in my life, all the pressure I feel to be the best at everything, all the time... Suddenly it felt so small. And then, when you got up at the end for your victory dance…

Marinette: Bow. It’s called a bow.

Kim: Right! I remember thinking, "I'm glad that girl's not dead...before I ever got the chance to know her." Stupid, right?

_Marinette stares at him_

Marinette: That's... not stupid at all.

Kim: Cool. Hey, a bunch of us are going out after practice today. You should join. "Parting is such sweet"...

Marinette: Sorrow?

Kim: Whatever.

_As he walks past Adrien, he points to his backpack_

Kim: Hey, dude. Someone wrote BOYF on your backpack.

_Kim exits. Adrien tries to resume his conversation with Marinette_

Adrien: So, I heard this thing about how humans aren't evolving anymore?

Marinette: I'm sorry, Adrien. Did you say something?

_Across the stage, Kim smiles at Marinette. Adrien notices_

Adrien: Forget it...

ONCE AGAIN THERE'S BEEN A TAKE DOWN BUT I GUESS IT COULD HAVE GONE WORSE AT LEAST I DIDN'T HAVE A BREAKDOWN THEN HAVE TO GO TO THE NURSE

I DON'T WANNA BE SPECIAL   
DON'T EVEN NEED TO SURVIVE   
I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT CHRISTINE   
IS AWARE I'M ALIVE


	5. The SQUIP Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alix teaches Adrien how to be cool

_The scene changes to a unisex bathroom. Adrien is trying to wash the letters off his backpack in a prop sink when Alix walks in and frowns_

Alix: I told you not to wash that off!

_Adrien busies himself with his backpack_

Adrien: Where's my homework?

Alix: I'm talking to you, tall-ass!

Adrien: Why do you keep calling me that? I'm not even that tall!

_Adrien heads to a stall_

Alix: You could be, if you weren't hunched over all scared all the time. The only thing more pathetic is the way you're sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.

_Adrien was trying to do just that. He stops, busted_

Alix: Stalls are for wusses. You a wuss, Jeremy?

_She walks over to a prop urinal. A zipping sound is heard, making Adrien turn away_

Adrien: How can you talk to people while you're... Y'know.

Alix: Confidence!

Adrien: You’re don’t even... You might wanna...watch the seat...

_Alix freezes and twitches_

Adrien: … Um… I don’t think I have to use the bathroom anymore, I’ll just-

Alix: Don't move!

_Alix zips up. Then turns to face Adrien. Menacing_

Alix: You don't remember me freshman year, do you?

Adrien: You didn't go here freshman year—

_Alix punches the wall_

Alix: YES I DID! You just didn't notice!... Nobody did…

FRESHMAN YEAR!  
DIDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR A CLUE GOOD TIMES WOULD ONLY   
SOAR BY

I WAS WEIRD   
AS EVERY MALE WOULD ATTEST   
MY KISSING WAS A FUTILE QUEST

I WAS ALWAYS SO DEPRESSED  
I WAS SO LONELY   
POOR GIRL

I WAS HOPELESS, HOPELESS   
I WAS HELPLESS, HELPLESS   
EVERY TIME I'D WALK THE HALLWAY I WOULD TRIP

I WAS STAGNANT AND IDLE   
I WAS SO SUICIDAL AND THEN, THEN, THEN   
THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN   
THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN   
THEN I GOT A SQUIP!

_She poses. Adrien looks confused._

Adrien: You got quick?

Alix: Not quick. Squip.

Adrien: I've just never heard of it before.

Alix: That's the point! This is some top-secret-can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit...

IT'S FROM JAPAN  
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL   
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU   
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL   
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL   
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO...

Adrien: What? That's not even possible.

_Alix shoves Adrien against a wall—_

Alix: Shut up tall-ass!

_She realizes what she's doing and lets him go_

Alix: Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it 'cause my squip said I had to. But now it's saying you're not a bad guy. That you might want a squip of your own. 'Course, if you're not interested...

Adrien: So it's like... Drugs?

Alix: It's better than drugs, Jeremy...

IT'S FROM JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! 

_She does the rock and roll slide across the stage. Students dressed in black clothing and sunglasses appear and sing backup_

Alix:  
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL   
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU   
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL   
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL   
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO

IT'S PRE-PROGRAMMED   
IT'S AMAZING   
SPEAKS TO YOU DIRECTLY

YOU BEHAVE AS   
IT'S APPRAISING   
HELPS YOU ACT CORRECTLY

HELPS YOU TO BE COOL   
HELPS YOU RULE

PICTURE THIS   
NOBODY CARES IF YOU ARE LATE   
CUZ EVEN TEACHERS THINK YOU'RE GREAT YOUR WEEKEND'S JUST A FULL-ON SLATE   
OF BLOWOUT BENDERS   
OF TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORS

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE HELPLESS, HELPLESS   
YOU ARE ALMOST HOPELESS   
ON THE SCHOOL SOCIAL MAP YOU'RE JUST A BLIP   
BUT IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE AND IF YOU   
PAY THE LISTED PRICE, WELL THEN YOU

GO FROM SAD TO INTERESTING TO HIP   
YEAH, YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL FLIP   
YEAH, WHEN YOU BUY A SQUIP!

Alix: I got a hook-up, this goth chick works at Payless Shoes at the Menlo Park Mall. It's six hundred

Adrien: Dollars?!

Alix: It's worth it. Bring the money on Monday. You'll see.

_Alix starts to exit_

Adrien: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?

Alix: Aw, man, Adrien. You know what you need? 

A SQUIP!   
A SQUIP!   
A SQUIIIIIIIIP!

NO LONGER A DRIP  
WHEN YOU GOT IN YOUR GRIP 

A SQUIP!   
A SQUIP!   
A SQUIIIIIIIIP!

_Alix exits the bathroom, leaving Adrien alone as the stage lights dim then return moments later to reveal that the_ _scene has changed to a bedroom. Adrien sits on his bed, deep in thought_

Adrien:   
IT'S FROM JAPAN   
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL   
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU

THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL   
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH MY BLOOD UNTIL   
IT IMPLANTS IN MY BRAIN AND IT TELLS ME WHAT TO DO

IT HELPS ME TO BE COOL   
IT HELPS ME RULE!...


	6. Two Player Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nino and Adrien are best friends in real life and on stage

_Adrien and Nino hang out in the bedroom setting, playing video games_

Nino: Apocalypse of the Damned!

Adrien: Level 9!

Nino/Adrien: The Cafetorium!

FIND THE BAD GUY, PUSH HIM ASIDE, THEN MOVE ON FORWARD WITH YA

FRIEND AT YOUR SIDE

IT'S A TWO PLAYER GAME, SO WHEN THEY MAKE AN ATTACK   
YOU KNOW YA GOTTA BROTHER GONNA HAVE YA BACK

THEN YA STAY ON TRACK, AND- AH!- REMAIN ON COURSE   
IF THEY GIVE YA SMACK YA- GAH!- USE YOUR FORCE

IF YOU LEAVE YOUR BROTHER BEHIND ITS LAME   
CUZ IT'S AN EFFED UP WORLD BUT IT'S A TWO-PLAYER GAME, HEY!

_As they play the game, Adrien talks to Nino_

Adrien: So? What do you think?

Nino: Rachel Goranski is scamming you. She’s scamming you super weirdly.

Adrien: What if she's not? This could be huge! All I need to do is give the girl who torments me six...hundred...she's totally scamming me!... I’m doomed to be a loser 'til the end of the world. No, probably then too.

Nino: No way.

DUDE, YOU ARE COOLER THAN A VINTAGE CASSETTE   
IT'S JUST THAT NO ONE ELSE BUT ME THINKS THAT YET

YOU'RE JUST A NOTHING IN THE HIGH SCHOOL SCHEME   
BUT IT'S NO BIG, CUZ YOU AND I ARE A TEAM

WE LIKE   
OUT OF PRINT GAMES   
RETRO SKATES   
I GOT A PAC MAN TATTOO

_Nino rolls up his sleeve revealing a Pac-Man tattoo drawn on with marker_

Nino:   
NOBODY HERE APPRECIATES   
BUT SOON WE'LL BE TOGETHER WHERE THEY DO

CUZ GUYS LIKE US ARE COOL IN COLLEGE COOL IN COLLEGE, THIS I KNOW   
GUYS LIKE US ARE COOL IN COLLEGE   
WE RULE IN COLLEGE

LISTEN, BRO   
HIGH SCHOOL IS HELL   
BUT WE NAVIGATE IT WELL   
CUZ WHAT WE DO   
IS WE MAKE IT A TWO-PLAYER GAME!

Nino/Adrien: ZOMBIE!   
WATCH OUT!   
AAH!   
WAH!   
AAW!

Nino: Restart.

Adrien:   
AS LOSERS WE HAVE FOUGHT TOGETHER FOR YEARS   
BOTH NINTENDO ZOMBIES AND OUR POPULAR PEERS   
NOW WE'RE STUCK ON A LEVEL AND I WANT TO MOVE ON

Nino:   
JUST WAIT TWO YEARS WHEREUPON   
YOU'LL REALIZE GUYS LIKE US ARE

Nino/Adrien: COOL IN COLLEGE   
COOL IN COLLEGE   
WON'T BE LAME

Adrien: DUDE, I KNOW, I GET IT

Nino/Adrien:   
GUYS LIKE US ARE COOL IN COLLEGE

Adrien:   
BUT WE'RE NOT IN COLLEGE

Nino:   
ALL THE SAME   
HIGH SCHOOL WHACK   
BUT WE HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACK   
IT'S ME AND YOU

Nino/Adrien: WE'VE MADE IT A TWO-PLAYER GAME   
AGH!   
OH!   
ZOMBIE!

_Ivan walks in_

Ivan: Hello?

Adrien/Nino:   
BLOOD!

Ivan: Son?

Adrien/Nino:   
CLAWS!

Ivan: Jeremy!

Adrien/Nino: Pause.

_Adrien looks to him before quickly averting his eyes_

Adrien: AAH! Dad! Pants!

Ivan: Is that a girl? Are you here with a girl? Oh. Hi Michael.

Nino: Hey, Mr. Heere.

Ivan: I was going to order pizza. If there's something you boys want—

Adrien: Did you get dressed today? Like at all?

Ivan: Oh... They didn't need me at the office. So I worked from home.

Adrien: Most people wear pants at home.

Ivan: That's why most people...aren't your father… Good talk.

_Ivan leaves. Nino recognizes the awkwardness of the moment_

Nino: How is he doing?

Adrien: How does it look?

Nino: You heard from her?

Adrien: No. And who cares? It's like, Mom moved on, why can't he?

_Seeing his eyes becoming glassy, Nino holds his hand_

Nino: Hey—

Adrien: I don't want that to be my future! Rachel said her hook-up's at the Payless, what if we go there ourselves? Just to see if her story checks out?

Nino: And if it does? Will you be too cool for... Video games?

Adrien: No way.   
YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON   
THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T STILL DREAM

_Nino playfully rolls his eyes, and leans in closer_

Nino:   
IS IT REALLY TRUE? I'M YOUR FAVOWITE PERSON?!

_They have a small tickle fight, making some members of the audience chuckle_

Adrien:   
WE'RE NEVER NOT GONNA BE A TEAM   
HIGH SCHOOL IS SHIT   
AND YOU GOTTA HELP ME CONQUER IT   
IT'S JUST WHAT WE DO

Nino/Adrien:   
WE MAKE IT A TWO PLAYER GAME   
FIND THE BAD GUY, PUSH HIM ASIDE   
THEN MOVE ON FORWARD WITH YA FRIEND AT YOUR SIDE

IT'S A TWO PLAYER GAME, SO WHEN THEY MAKE AN ATTACK   
YOU KNOW YA GOTTA BROTHER GONNA HAVE YA BACK

THEN YA STAY ON TRACK, AND- AH!- REMAIN ON COURSE   
IF THEY GIVE YA SMACK YA- GAH!- USE YOUR FORCE

IF YOU LEAVE YOUR BROTHER BEHIND IT'S LAME   
CUZ IT'S AN EFFED UP WORLD BUT IT'S A TWO-PLAYER GAME, HEY!

TWO PLAYER GAME   
TWO PLAYER GAME   
HEY

_By the end of the song, they have arrived at ...Payless Shoes_


	7. The Squip(s) Enter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien meets his Squip. Or rather, Squips

_Adrien and Nino stand in front of Juleka, who's ignoring them. Nino pushes Adrien forward_

Adrien: ... I like your hair.

Juleka: Let's see the money.

Adrien: What?

Juleka:   
IT'S FROM JAPAN   
IT'S A RED OBLONG PILL   
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU

THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL   
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL   
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO

Adrien: ...How did you know why I'm here?

Juleka: Just look at you.

_Adrien pulls out the money_

Juleka: That's four hundred?

Adrien: Four?

Juleka: Is that a problem?

Adrien: No! Actually, there's a girl at my school charging...

_Nino punches his shoulder and clears his throat_

Adriem: Uh. Four hundred? Wow. Well, if you insist.

_Adrien hands over the money. Juleka presents him with a shoebox_

Adrien: Ladies' running shoes?

_Juleka opens the box...and pulls out a small grey pill_

Juleka: Just so we're clear: this is untested technology. And it's not exactly legal. Which is why you're paying for it with cash in the back of a shoe store. I take no responsibility for what you might do with it. Or what it might do with you.

Adrien: What might it—

Juleka: To activate, take it with Mountain Dew. Don't know why. Just something about Mountain Dew. And, this is important—

_Alya walks onto the stage, and the Juleka yells-_

Juleka: I'm sold out!

Alya: Of...shoes?

Juleka: Oh, you're here for shoes. My bad.

_She turns to Adrien and whispers,_

Juleka: Scram.

Adrien: Wait, you were saying something important...

Juleka: Oh yeah. All sales are final.

_She walks over to Alya and she leads her off_

Juleka: We just got in a killer pair of pumps!...

_Adrien and Nino are now in a mall food court setting. Examining the pill_

Adrien: I hope you're worth four hundred dollars.

Nino: Four hundred and one. Don't forget the Mountain Dew.

Adrien: If this is real...my whole life could change… We should split it. You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?

Nino: I don't think it works that way. Besides, I like knowing that when you're cool, you'll owe me.

Adrien: All right. Here goes...everything.

_He puts the pill on his tongue, swallows it with the Mountain Dew_

Nino: How does it taste?

Adrien: Minty.

Nino: How do you feel?

Adrien: Like... A chump!

Nino: Nothing? At all? Try to say something cool.

Adrien: I think I just blew my Bat Mitzvah money on a Wintergreen Tic-tac.

Nino: Yeah... Not cool.

Adrien: Please leave me alone to mourn in my fries, forever.

Nino: Okay. Five minutes.

Adrien: Where are you going?

Nino: Check it out. Guy in Spencer's Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi. It's like regular Pepsi. Only clear!

Adrien: Wasn't that discontinued in the 90's?

Nino: That's what makes it so awesome!

_Once Nino leaves, Adrien looks up to see Marinette enter with Kim_

Marinette: Shouldn't we wait for the rest of the cast?

Kim: Yeahh... We're not meeting the rest of the cast. I figured we could get to know each other. Alone. That's why I'm taking you to one of my favorite spots in the universe. Sbarro—

Adrien: Christine!

Marinette: Jeremy! I didn't see you there.

Kim: Yeah, you're kinda hard to notice.

_He turns back to Marinette, ignoring Adrien_

Kim: The best part, they let you pick whatever you want—

Adrien: Wait! ...There's something I need to tell you.

Kim: Now?

Adrien: I... I...

_Suddenly, Adrien tenses up, his head wracked with pain_

Adrien: Ow!

_Smoke from a fog machine hidden somewhere on the stage begins to appear_

Voice: Target female: inaccessible.

Marinette: Jeremy?

_Adrien falls to the floor, thrashing around while holding his head_

Adrien: OW! What the HELL?!

Voice: Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.

Adrien: MILD?!?

Marinette: Jeremy, what's wrong?!

_Alya, wearing a pair of purple pumps arrives to the scene and records Adrien’s freak-out on her phone_

Kim: Dude, the freak's freaking out!

Voice: Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.

_Adrien gets up, now fine_

Adrien: No, wait. I'm fine, I just—

Voice: Discomfort level may increase.

Adrien: AAHHHHH!

_Adrien holds his head, his body involuntarily spasms in pain_

_Kim pulls Marinette away. Two silhouettes appear in the fog and approach Adrien_

Voice: Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jeremy Heere…

_The two silhouettes are revealed to be Nathaniel and Marc. Both are clad in leather, and just oozing cool. They’re the Squips._

Nathaniel: Welcome! To your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor!....

Marc: Your SQUIPS.

Adrien: You look like Calum Worthy and Rain Dove.

Nathaniel: Our default modes. You can also set us for: Wonder Woman.

Marc: Todrick Hall.

Nathaniel: Cute Anime Cat Boys with tails.

Adrien: Th-this is fine. Can everyone see you?

Nathaniel: We exist only in your mind. All they see is you, having an animated conversation, with yourself. So don't do that. Just think at us. Like you're telepathic.

_Adrien’s eyes light up_

Adrien: Like in X-men?

Marc: Uuhhh… Sure... I can see this is going to be difficult. You want to be more chill.

Adrien: You mean cool.

Marc: I do not!

Nathaniel: You see, human social activity is governed by rules and we have the processing capacity to understand those rules. And pass them on to you.


	8. Be More Chill Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Nathaniel teach Adrien how to be more chill

Nathaniel:   
C-C-C-C-C-CMON, JEREMY, CAN’T YOU SEE?  
YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM IS OUTDATED  
  
 _Nathaniel places his hands on Marc’s waist as he begins to sing_

Marc:   
COME ON BOO, YOU KNOW THAT YOU  
MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NAUSEATED  
HEY, WE’VE ARRIVED NOW, THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Nathaniel:   
BAE, WE’VE ARRIVED, WOW  
WON’T BE LONG UNTIL  
YOU WI-I-I-I-I-I-ILL...

Nathaniel/Marc:  
BE MORE CHILL

Marc:   
TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS  
ARCH YOUR BACK, PUFF OUT YOUR CHEST

_Adrien follows his instructions_

Nathaniel:   
ADD SOME SWAGGER TO YOUR GATE OR   
YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A MASTURBATOR   
FIX YOUR POSTURE, THEN THE REST

Adrien: But I am a masturbator.

Nathaniel: We'll fix that.   
ALL YOUR NERDINESS IS UGLY

Adrien: Nerd? I thought I was more of a geek—

Nathaniel:   
ALL YOUR STAMMERING'S A CHORE

Adrien: Wh-wh-what?

Marc:   
YOUR TICS AND FIDGETS ARE PERSISTENT AND YOUR CHARM IS NON-EXISTENT   
FIX YOUR VIBE, THEN FIX SOME MORE

_They catch Adrien trying to stick his hands in his pockets_

Nathaniel: BUH!

Adrien: WHA?

Marc: NUH!

Adrien: WHA?

Nathaniel: NO!

Adrien: AAH!

Marc: STOP!

Adrien: UHH!

Marc: OH, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS SO TERRIBLE   
WHOA, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES US WANNA DIE!

Adrien: Jesus Christ!

Nathaniel: SO DON'T FREAK OUT AND DON'T RESIST

_Nathaniel twirls Marc and catches him with a dip_

Nathaniel/Marc: AND HAVE NO DOUBT   
IF WE ASSIST   
YOU WI-I-I-I-I-I-ILL  
BE MORE CHILL 

_Adrien starts to slouch – and suddenly twitches as an electric shock sound effect is heard._

Adrien: Ow! Did you just...shock me?

Nathaniel: Spinal stimulation. You were slouching.   
FIRST THINGS FIRST, GO BUY A NEW SHIRT

Adrien: What's wrong with my—

Nathaniel:   
IT'S BETTER IF YOU JUST COMPLY   
OUR JOB'S TO COLOR YOUR AESTHETIC   
AND MAKE YOU SEEM MUCH LESS PATHETIC JUST STEP AND FETCH, DON'T ASK US WHY

_The stagehands push clothing racks onto the stage. Marc sorts through a rack and smirks_

Marc: Pick this one.

Adrien: It has a picture of Eminem.

Marc: If you're so astute, what do you need us for?

Adrien: Do people still listen to Eminem?

Marc: Irrelevant. Our quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well.

Adrien: What if someone quizzes me about his music?

Nathaniel: Our database is infinite and instantaneous. In other words: We know everything!

Adrien: How are you with math homework?

Nathaniel: We’re super-computers, Jeremy. We’re made of math!

_A chorus of shoppers walks by Adrien, Nathaniel, and Marc_

Nathaniel:   
OH, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS SO TERRIBLE

Shoppers:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!   
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!

Marc:   
WHOA, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES US WANNA DIE

Shoppers:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!   
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!

Nathaniel/Marc: ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE MALL THINK YOU'RE SUCH A SLOB

Shoppers: YOU'RE A SLOB!   
TERRIBLE!   
SUCH A SLOB!

Marc:   
AND BOY, CAN I SEE WHY!   
Now you try picking a shirt.

_Adrien picks out a pink shirt. Nathaniel facepalms_

Nathaniel: That's a girl's shirt.

_Adrien goes to put it back...and bumps into Aurore, shopping with Myléne_

Adrien: Sorry...

_Nathaniel pokes his neck_

Adrien: OW!

Nathaniel: Posture.

Aurore: Jerry?

Adrien: Jeremy. 

Aurore: You shop here?

Adrien: Oh yeah, all the time—

Nathaniel: Never.

Adrien: Never. Is what I meant to...

Nathaniel: Greet the beta.

Adrien: The...? Oh. Hey Brooke.

Nathaniel: "You look sexy."

Adrien: I can't say that to a hot girl!

Nathaniel: Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death.

_Adrien folds his arms and stares at Myléne_

Adrien: Lookin' pretty sexy, Brooke.

Myléne: Thanks.

_Aurore raises an eyebrow and points to the shirt Adrien is holding_

Aurore: Is that a girl's shirt?

Adrien: No.

Marc: Yes.

Adrien: Yes. 

Marc: Repeat after me—.   
I SAW IT IN THE WINDOW AND I COULDN'T DISMISS

Adrien:   
I SAW IT IN THE WINDOW AND I COULDN'T DISMISS

Marc:   
I WAS DATING A GIRL AND SHE HAD A SHIRT JUST LIKE THIS

Adrien:   
I WAS DATING A GIRL AND SHE HAD A SHIRT JUST LIKE THIS

Marc:   
IT'S STILL PAINFUL

Adrien:   
IT'S STILL PAINFUL

Aurore: So who was this mystery girl?

Adrien: Uh, you've probably never heard of her—

Marc:   
MADELINE.

Adrien:   
MADELINE.

Aurore: What?!

Adrien:   
SHE'S AMERICAN!

Aurore: Ugh! She is NOT AMERICAN! She just pretends to be, for attention!

Myléne: Madeline broke up with you?

Adrien: Yeah... 

Marc: No.

Adrien: I mean— 

Marc:   
I BROKE UP WITH HER

Adrien:   
I BROKE UP WITH HER 

Marc:   
CUZ SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME!

_Adrien puts a hand to his forehead dramatically_

Adrien:   
SHE WAS CHEATING ON MEEEEEE!...

Nathaniel: Hey Hamlet, BE MORE CHILL.

_Aurore and Mylène rant about Madeline_

Aurore: What did I tell you? She is such a bitch!

Myléne: You are so much better off without her, Jeremy.

Aurore: Obviously! I mean, who does Madeline think she is?

_As Aurore launches into a rant, Adrien speaks to Nathaniel and Marc._

Adrien: What just happened?

Nathaniel: A shared negative opinion is the fastest social bond. You want someone to like you...hate who they hate.

Aurore: Ugh, let's get out of here.


	9. Do You Wanna Ride?/Be More Chill 2

Nathaniel: Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept.

Myléne:   
SO, DO YOU WANNA RIDE?

Nathaniel/Marc: Yes.

Adrien: Yes! But...I'm supposed to meet my friend, Michael.

_Mylène becomes disappointed and turns away_

Myléne: Oh...

Nathaniel: Adrien, if this is going to work, you need to do as we instruct.

_Nathaniel holds up his hand, and Adrien suddenly places his hand on Mylène shoulder_

Myléne: Adrien... 

DO YOU WANNA RIDE?   
DO YOU WANNA RIDE?   
DO YOU WANNA RIDE? WANNA GO FAR?   
DO YOU WANNA GET-   
DO YOU WANNA GET-   
DO YOU WANNA GET INSIDE MY MOTHER'S CAR?

DRIVE IT ON HOME, DON'T YA SAY NO, JERRY, CAN YOU BE COERCED? UH, HUH   
BE HOME IN A SNATCH, ONLY ONE CATCH, WE GOTTA STOP FOR FROZEN YOGURT FIRST

Myléne/Aurore: 

DO YOU WANNA RIDE?   
DO YOU WANNA RIDE?   
DO YOU WANNA RIDE? WANNA GO FAR?   
DO YOU WANNA GET-   
DO YOU WANNA GET-   
DO YOU WANNA GET INSIDE MY/HER MOTHER'S CAR?

DRIVE IT ON HOME, DON'T YA SAY NO, JERRY, CAN YOU BE COERCED? UH, HUH   
BE HOME IN A SNATCH, ONLY ONE CATCH, WE GOTTA STOP FOR FROZEN YOGURT FIRST

Myléne:   
PIIIIIINKBERRYYYYYY

_Myléne, Aurore, Marc, and Nathaniel give him expectant looks_

Adrien: I... Next time. I promise.

Aurore: Whatever.

_Aurore starts to go. Myléne hangs back_

Myléne: My boyfriend cheated on me too. Ex-boyfriend. So...I know how you feel.

Aurore: Brooke! Come on!

Myléne: Later.

_The girls leave. Adrien is in awe_

Adrien: Did you see— That was awesome! I have to find Michael—

Marc: Oh, Michael has left the mall.

Adrien: How do you know?

Marc: We can access the mall security cameras.

Adrien: So how am I supposed to get home?!

_Nathaniel shakes his head in disappointment_

Nathaniel: I told you accepting a ride was imperative. If this is going to work, you can't just listen! You have to obey! Now repeat after me.

OH, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS SO TERRIBLE

Adrien:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS JUST TERRIBLE

Nathaniel: Good!   
WHOA, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES ME WANNA DIE

Adrien:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME MAKES ME WANNA DIE...

Nathaniel: Now you've got it!

BUT JEREMY   
SOON YOU'LL SEE   
THAT IF YOU LISTEN TO ME   
LISTEN TO ME

_The shoppers walk around Adrien_

Marc:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS GOING TO BE WONDERFUL!

Shoppers:   
WE LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

Marc:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS GOING TO BE SO ALIVE!

Shoppers:   
WE COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT YOU

_The female shoppers crowd around Adrien and hold onto him_

Marc:   
YOU WON'T FEEL LEFT OUT OR UNSURE

Nathaniel:   
YOU WON'T BE UGLY ANYMORE

Nathaniel/Marc/Shoppers:   
BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS GOING TO BE

COOL   
AND POWERFUL   
AND POPULAR   
INCREDIBLE

Nathaniel/Marc:   
AND YOU WI-I-I-I-I-I-I-ILL!

Adrien:   
BE MORE CHILL!

_Adrien’s voice cracked a little as he said that, making Nathaniel and Marc roll their eyes_

Nathaniel: Be More Chill...

All:   
BE MORE CHILL   
BE MORE CHILL   
BE MORE CHILL   
BE MORE CHILL

_When the song ends, the lights dim then brighten to show the bedroom at the beginning of the show. It’s just Adrien, Nathaniel, and Marc_

Adrien: _half-asleep, singing_  
BE MORE CHILL   
I'M GONNA...BE SUPER CHILL…

_Marc tucks Adrien into bed. It's very father/son after the ballgame_

Nathaniel: Sleep well, slugger. You have a big day tomorrow.

_The spotlights that shine on Nathaniel and Marc dim. The audience claps_


	10. More Than Survive Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where’s Nino?

_Suddenly, it's morning. Adrien bolts up in bed. Looks around. Did that really just happen?... He taps his head_

Adrien: Hello? Are you guys on? Hellooo?

_A knocking sound effect is heard. Ivan calls out_

Ivan: Jeremy? Are you talking to yourself?

Adrien: I... Guess I am. Huh.

_He shrugs, then reaches for his computer_

C-C-C-C'MON, C-C-C-C'MON, GO—

_He reaches for his computer... and the electric shock sound effect plays_

Adrien: Ow!

_Nathaniel and Marc step out from behind the bed. Both are now wearing blue circuit board shirts (Marc has a tank top), black pants, and black leather boots_

Marc: What did we say about that?

Adrien: I was just going to...check my email.

Marc: You can't lie to us, Jeremy. We’re inside your brain. Now, we’re going to devise a system. We will tally every time you think about sex, and that's how many push-ups you do.

Nathaniel: If this morning is an indicative sample, you'll have pecs in no time.

_Ivan enters, still not wearing pants_

Ivan: Coming through, private.

Nathaniel: ... _That's_ the source of your genetic material?

Adrien: That's my dad, yeah.

Nathaniel: … We should double those push-ups.

_Adrien puts on the Eminem shirt. The students line up their chairs again_

Adrien:   
STILL NOT GONNA BE THE COOL GUY   
BUT MAYBE NOT SO LEFT OUT   
OF ALL THE CHARACTERS AT SCHOOL   
I MIGHT BE THE ONE WHO THE STORY'S ABOUT

NOW THAT SOMEONE'S HELPING ME OUT

_Adrien arrives at school, where he runs into Aurore, Myléne, and Alya. They wave. Dazed, Adrien turns, and bumps into—_

Alix: Yo, tall-ass! Where's my money?

Adrien: Crap, what do I tell Alix?

Nathaniel: Up up down down left right A.

_Alix experiences a jolt_

Alix: You got one!

Adrien: Yeah. Sorry, I meant to go through you but— Don't hit me!

Alix: Jeremy! This is awesome! I mean, I coulda used the money. Things are kinda rough at home, if you know what I'm sayin'...

_Marc places his hand on Adrien’s shoulder. Adrien’s response comes out as robotic_

Adrien: Yeah...my dad...drinks too?

_He looks at Marc, like: where did that come from? Alix grins_

Alix: Yo, fucking dads, right?! He usually passes out by nine, you should come over, play Xbox. You know with a squip, the only controller you need...is your mind?

_She moves on, but Adrien hangs back to talk to Nathaniel and Marc_

Adrien: What was that about?

Nathaniel: We synced with her squip. Now her desires are compatible with your own.

Adrien: And that makes her act like we're friends?

Marc: What is friendship but a bond between two people? Now you and Rachel have a bond. It's just digital.

Adrien: Wow...

_Adrien notices Nino walking across the stage. He waves_

Adrien: Hey! Mich-

_A row of lockers suddenly move in front of Nino. Adrien looks confused_

Adrien: I... I thought I saw-

Marc: Jeremy, let’s go.  
NOW GET READY TO MORE THAN SURVIVE

Students:   
NA NA NA!   
NA NA NA!

Adrien:   
MORE THAN SURVIVE!   
MORE THAN SURVIVE!   
ALL AND ALL A NOT TOO HEINOUS DAY!

Students:   
HEY HEY HEY!

_Nino appears again, and tries to get Adrien’s attention, but the students sing over him_

Adrien: I WALK THE HALL WITH PURPOSE AS I SWAGGER ON MY WAY!

Students:   
HEY HEY HEY!

Adrien: I'M FEELING CRISP AND HIGH AND ALIVE!   
AND HEAD TO DRAMA PRACTICE WITH CHRISTINE!


	11. The Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Adrien get the girl? And where the hell is Nino?!

_Marinette is at play rehearsal. Aurore approaches, flanked by Myléne. Alya sits nearby_

Aurore: Is this seat saved?

Marinette: Oh, yeah—

_Aurore sits down anyway_

Aurore: Jenna Rolan said she saw you at the mall with Jake last night.

Marinette: Yeah, that's... who it's saved for...

Myléne: Jenna Rolan?

_Alya stands up from her seat, excited to be noticed_

Alya: I'm right here.

Aurore: Jake’s not coming.

Marinette: Is he sick?

Aurore: He's at Model U.N. Or whatever it is this week. You know Jake. Always jumping from one...extracurricular to another.

Marinette: I don't know him that well...

Aurore: Well, he loves to try new things. He just doesn't always stay with them after he...tries them. If you know what I—

Marinette: We're just friends.

Aurore: What?

Marinette: I know you guys used to date? So, if that's what this is about...

Aurore: Oh my God no! Jake and I are totally over!

Myléne: Yeah, he's so gross.

Aurore: He's not gross, Brooke. Friends. I'm so glad. Because, real talk, I would hate for you to think that the reason Jake’s not here...is he's already bored of you… Bye!

_Aurore, Myléne and Alya walk away and whisper loudly_

Aurore: Jake better not be inviting her to his Halloween party.

_Adrien enters with Nathaniel and Marc and stops by Marinette_

Adrien: Is this seat taken?

Marinette: I... Don't know.

_Adrien is prompted by Nathaniel_

Adrien: Then how about I sit here til whoever shows up?

Marinette: Sure… Hey, are you okay?

Adrien: What?

Marinette: At the mall yesterday, you were acting really—

Marc/Adrien: Performance art.

Marinette: Oh… Cool.

Max: Let's begin, people! Curtains rise on Athens...Georgia. The Center for Disease Control.

Alya: (as Doctor Theseus) Now fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws aspace... Bring me Patient Zero!

_Myléne-as-Hermia enters with Aurore-as-Sick-Helena_

Aurore: (as Sick Helena) (Flat) Cough.

Myléne: (as Hermia) Doctor, why is her cheek so pale? How chance the roses there fade so fast?

Alya: (as Doctor Theseus) She has been attacked in the wasteland. Some say it's fairies. Some say it's spirits. Some say it's the return of the hostile alien race who visited our fair planet one thousand years ago this midsummer…

_As Alya monologues on, Adrien and Marinette have a whispered conversation_

Adrien: So where's Jake?

Marinette: How should I know?

Adrien: You guys aren't going out?

Marinette: No—

Adrien: REALLY?!?

_Everyone turns to stare at him_

Max: Mr. Heere! Your script is closed. Which I can only assume means you've memorized your entire part. Please: regale us.

_Adrien is frozen in place_

Max: Or perhaps you're simply wasting our—

_Marc places his hand on Adrien’s shoulder. Adrien rises, speaks quickly, as if possessed_

Adrien: "If we zombies have offended, think but this and all is mended / that we have but landed here / while these spaceships did appear / and this weak and idle theme / no more yielding but a dream. ...Or is it?"

Max: Well! It seems the rest of you can learn from Mr. Here’s commitment to the craft… Hot Pocket break!

Marc: You're welcome.

_Adrien sits to see Marinette staring at him, impressed_

Marinette: You're really into this.

Adrien: Why else would I be here?

Marinette: Yeah... Right... Can I ask you something?

Nathaniel: You can ask me anything.

Adrien: You can ask me anything.

Marinette: This is weird…

SAY THERE'S THIS PERSON YOU PASS IN THE HALL EVERY DAY   
YOU'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE SEVENTH GRADE YOU'RE USED TO THINKING ABOUT HIM IN A CERTAIN WAY

FROM THE PERSONA THAT HE DISPLAYED THEN SOMETHING CHANGES   
AND HE CHANGES

FROM A GUY THAT YOU'D NEVER BE INTO INTO A GUY THAT YOU'D KINDA BE INTO FROM A GUY THAT I'D NEVER BE INTO   
INTO A GUY THAT I'D KINDA BE INTO

IS HE WORTH IT?   
JEREMY  
IS HE?

Adrien: Is she talking about me?

Nathaniel: Of course she is. We've been activating your pheromones. Keep it up.

Marinette:   
SAY THERE'S THIS PERSON THAT YOU NEVER KNEW THAT WELL

Students:   
SHE IS TOTALLY INTO YOU

Marinette:   
YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD HIM PEGGED, BUT NOW YOU CAN TELL   
HE'S GONE FROM A

Marinette/Students:   
GUY THAT YOU'D NEVER BE INTO   
INTO A GUY THAT YOU'D KINDA BE INTO   
FROM A GUY THAT I'D NEVER BE INTO   
INTO A GUY THAT I'D KINDA BE INTO

Marinette:   
IS HE WORTH IT?   
JEREMY?

Nathaniel/Marc/Adrien:   
ABSOLUTELY

Marinette:   
I DON'T ALWAYS RELATE TO OTHER PEOPLE MY AGE   
EXCEPT WHEN I'M ON THE STAGE   
AND THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGES THAT I'M GOING THROUGH   
AND WHY AM I TELLING THIS TO YOU?

GUESS THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO   
I GUESS A PART OF ME WANTS TO, WHO KNEW?  
I GUESS A PART OF ME LIKES TO TALK TO YOU   
I GUESS A PART OF ME LIKES TO, WHO KNEW?

I GUESS A PART OF ME LIKES TO SIT WITH YOU   
I GUESS A PART OF ME LIKES TO, WHO KNEW I GUESS A PART OF ME LIKES TO HANG WITH YOU   
I GUESS A PART OF ME—

_Max comes back_

Max: Hot Pocket break over, people.

Marinette:   
BACK TO PLAY REHEARSAL   
I KNOW THAT IT'S WEIRD   
BUT IT'S TOTALLY TRUE   
THE GUY THAT I'D KINDA BE INTO

Adrien:   
THE GUY THAT YOU'D KINDA BE INTO

Marinette:   
YEAH, THAT

Marinette/Adrien:   
GUY THAT YOU’D/I'D KINDA BE INTO

Marinette:   
IS… JAKE

Adrien: What?

Nathaniel/Marc: Warning, warning!

_Nathaniel and Marc puppet Adrien's body out of rehearsal. He walks off the stage as the remaining cast members remove the props_


	12. Upgrade/Loser, Geek, or Whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opting Nerve Blocking: On

_Adrien walks back onto the stage, now a hallway setting_

Adrien: What was that about?!

Nathaniel: We’re sorry, but that girl does _not_ see you as relationship material.

Adrien: I know! That's why I got you!

Nathaniel: And you're sure you want her? There are many females at this school. I'm accessing footage from the girl's volleyball practice. It's very impressive I might add.

_Marc shrugs his shoulders, unimpressed_

Marc: Eh. It’s alright. But have you seen the boy’s basketball team?

Nathaniel: Also impressive.

Adrien: I want Christine.

Nathaniel: You're sure about that?

_Adrien crosses his arms. He’s not backing down_

Marc: Very well.

Adrien: So how can I get her?

Marc: You can't.

Adrien: What?

Marc: ...Yet. Becoming the kind of man who can impress Christine requires more than working out a few bugs. You're going to need to reboot your reputation. Supercharge your social standing. You need to upgrade.

Adrien: Huh?

Nathaniel: You need to get popular. Tear ducts activate.

_Suddenly Adrien starts sobbing uncontrollably. Myléne enters_

Myléne: Jeremy! I've been looking for you.

Adrien: I-I’m sorry, I don't know why I'm crying.

Myléne: I do.

Adrien: You do?

Myléne: And I totally understand. They're saying it was a freak hockey accident.

Adrien: What are you talking about?

Myléne: Oh my god, you don't know! Eminem's dead!

Adrien: Eminem's dead!?

Myléne: I mean, I was never into him because he was like super old and kinda mean to women, but I know you liked him so…

_She continues talking as Adrien turns to Marc and Nathaniel_

Adrien: Did you guys know this was going to happen?

Nathaniel: Of course not.

Adrien: So it's a coincidence you told me to wear this shirt?

Nathaniel: Of course not.

Adrien: Wait, what? Did you kill Eminem?!?

Marc: Nooooo...t exactly. Our quantum processor allows us to envision probable futures. While we did not know that, today, Eminem would be impaled by that rogue hockey stick, we were aware of the probability of a...favorable outcome.

Adrien: Favorable for WHO??

_Suddenly, Myléne is touching Adrien’s arm_

Myléne: It's okay, Jeremy. You don't have to be alone right now.

Nathaniel: You need to get popular, here's a popular girl who likes you. You need to go where she leads.

_Myléne leads Adrien away to a set of bleachers. They sit at the bottom. Nathaniel takes Marc’s hand and leads him to the top so they can watch the two_

Myléne: This is my favorite place behind the school.  
BEING HERE   
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW   
OUR FUTURE IS SO CLEAR   
OUR UNION IS SO NEAR

_Marc and Nathaniel take Myléne's place_

Nathaniel/Marc:   
BEING HERE   
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW   
I'LL TENDERLY GUIDE YOU

Nathaniel: JUST TAKE US INSIDE YOU FOREVER...  
YOUR LIFE WAS SO PITIFUL BEFORE

Marc: NOW IT'S TIME TO GO ALL THE WAY AND MORE   
YOU GOTTA GET AN UPGRADE

Adrien: UPGRADE

Nathaniel/Marc:   
UPGRADE   
GOTTA GET AN UPGRADE

Adrien:   
UPGRADE

Nathaniel:   
UPGRADE

Marc:   
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE GUILT YOU FEEL   
JUST TAKE A BREATH AND SEAL THE DEAL   
DAMN! YOU GOTTA GET AN UPGRADE-YAY-YAY-YAY-YADE

_Adrien suddenly kisses Mylène_

Nathaniel/Marc: GOTTA GET AN UPGRA-YAY-YAY-YAY-ADE

_Marinette walks into the stage, followed by Marinette. He tries to talk to her, but she ignored him_

Kim: Hey. You're not gonna say hi?

Marinette: I was. At rehearsal.

Kim: I wanted to be there.

_She stops and waits for an explanation_

Kim: But, it's the same time as archery...

Marinette: It's okay, really—

Kim: Which is why I had to tell the coach I quit. I don't want to do every extracurricular at school. I just want to do yours...

DO YOU WANNA COME OVER TO MY PLACE TONIGHT?   
GET ALL SPORTY AND PLAY CRICKET   
OR GET A FORTY AND JUST KICK IT   
MY PARENTS WON'T BE HOME SO IT'S ALRIGHT...

THEY LAUNDERED MONEY, NOW THEY'RE ON THE RUN

Marinette: But… That’s illegal.

Kim:   
WHICH MEANS THE HOUSE IS EMPTY, SO THAT'S FUN   
OH YEAH

_Kim takes Marinette’s hand in his, and places the other on her waist_

NEVER HUNG WITH A GIRL LIKE YOU BEFORE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IT BUT I AM SURE   
THAT FOR ME YOU ARE AN UPGRADE

_He dips her..._

Marinette:   
UPGRADE

_... Then lifts her up and twirls her_

Kim:   
UPGRADE.   
LET'S BE EACH OTHER'S UPGRADE

Marinette:   
OH WOW

Kim:   
UPGRADE

Marinette:   
WELL I AM FLATTERED, THIS IS NEW   
STILL, I'M NOT SURE WHAT I SHOULD DO

Kim:   
YOU GOTTA TAKE THE UPGRADE-YAY-YAY-YAY-ADE 

Nathaniel/Marc:   
GOTTA TAKE THE UPGRADE-YAY-YAY-YAY-ADE

Nathaniel:   
C-C-C-C-C-C'MON   
JEREMY, CAN'T YOU SEE   
WE GOT A PLAN, NOW BE A MAN

Marc:   
YOU START WITH BROOKE, AND THEN PROGRESS   
THEN WE ASSESS AND SOON SUCCESS   
WILL INTERVENE, BY WHICH I MEAN

Nathaniel/Marc: CHRISTIIIIINE...

Adrien:   
CHRISTIIIIINE

Students:   
CHRISTIIIIINE, CHRISTIIIIINE, CHRISTIIIIINE,CHRISTIIIIINE

_Adrien bursts out of the song_

Adrien: There's too many voices in my head! I just need a minute to...process...

_The students leave, but Nathaniel and Marc linger_

Adrien: ... Alone. Can you get out of my head for, like, five minutes?

Nathaniel/Marc: Of course.

_Their spotlight dims...and another one lights. Adrien finds himself standing near Nino_

Adrien: Michael?

_Nino looks up in surprise. Then starts to walk away_

Adrien: Oh my God, I'm so glad to see you! Where have you been?

Nino: Really? So you haven't been avoiding me all day?

Adrien: What are you talking about? I haven't even seen you since... Reactivate

_Nathaniel and Marc’s spotlight brightens_

Nathaniel: It's called Optic Nerve Blocking.

Adrien: Why haven't I seen Michael all day? Wait, what?

Nathaniel: We have access to your optic nerves. We have been blocking Michael from your field of vision.

Nino: Jeremy? Why are you standing there all creepy and stuff? It’s kinda unsettling.

Marc: Michael is a link to Jeremy 1.0. To upgrade, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.

Nino: Seriously dude, what's up with you? You've been acting shady ever since...since... It worked, didn't it? Jeremy! That's amazing! We gotta test it, we gotta celebrate, we gotta– get stoned in my basement!

...

Adrien:   
I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE LOSER   
I SHOULD FIND OUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO NOT BE THE LOSER OR THE GEEK OR THE... WHATEVER 

THINK I FELT INCONSEQUENTIAL SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL BEGAN   
I KNEW I HAD NO POTENTIAL TO BE THE LEADING MAN 

BUT BASED ON HOW TODAY'S GOING   
I'M FINALLY GAINING GROUND   
I EVEN GOT SOME BLOOD FLOWING   
WITH NO COMPUTER SCREEN AROUND

WHICH WAS COOL   
BUT WHAT REALLY FELT GOOD IS DOING SOMETHING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD

IT'S NOT ONLY SCHOOL THAT'S ROUGH   
BEING LONELY'S STUPID TOUGH   
NOW I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH   
OF BEING THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER 

MICHAEL THINKS THAT WEIRD IS RAD   
BUT FEELING WEIRD JUST MAKES ME SAD AND I DESERVE TO NOT FEEL BAD   
FROM BEING THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER

SICK OF BEING THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER

YEAH! WHOA UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH WHOA UH-HUH, UH-HUH

DAD TAUGHT ME,

"FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! TRUST YOUR INNER VOICE! LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!"

AND SUCH MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE FOLLOWED MY INSTINCTS   
WELL GUESS WHAT?   
MY INSTINCTS SUCK SO MUCH! 

SO NOW I'M TAKING DIRECTIONS FROM ANOTHER VOICE   
IF MY INSTINCTS HAVE AN OBJECTION THEN THAT MEANS I'M MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE

BEHAVING THIS WAY FEELS BIZARRE   
BUT IF THINGS KEEP UP THE WAY THEY ARE THEN SOON ENOUGH I'LL GET REAL FAR

FROM BEING THE LOSER, THE GEEK, OR WHATEVER  
IF BROOKE CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE   
LIKE I'M SOME NORMAL HANDSOME GUY 

I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO TRY NOT BEING   
THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER   
SICK OF BEING THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER

YEAH! WHOA UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH WHOA UH-HUH, UH-HUH!

PROMPT ME, COMMAND ME, AND I'LL OBEY   
I HAVE THE BANDWIDTH TO DO AS YOU SAY ESPECIALLY NOW, 

SINCE I CLEARLY SEE THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN ME 

TAKE A BREATH AND GET PREPARED   
BUT STILL, I'M JUST A LITTLE SCARED   
FOR WHO GETS CUT AND WHO GETS SPARED WHEN I'M THE COOL DUDE, THE HERO, OR WHATEVER

IF CHRISTINE LIKES ME IN THE END   
WILL I BE ABLE TO PRETEND I DIDN'T FAIL MY ONE REAL FRIEND

BUT THAT'S THE SHIT I NORMALLY WOULD THINK   
GET OVER IT, GET PRIORITIES IN SYNC   
JUST MUTE THE VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD AND CONNECT TO ANOTHER SOURCE INSTEAD 

_Adrien turns away from Nino, and faces Nathaniel and Marc_

I'VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO SELFISHLY   
BE ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ME   
I'VE WASTED ALL ETERNITY JUST   
BEING THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER

I'M STEADY AS THE GAMES BEGUN   
I'M READY, SET I'M PLAYER ONE   
THE FUTURE'S NOW, I'M FREAKING DONE WITH BEING THE WEIRDO THE WUSS, THE UNDERDOG 

BEING THE MISFIT,   
THE OLD-SCHOOL ANALOG   
BEING THE ODDBALL,   
THE WEAKLING FREAK 

THE FAILURE,   
THE SUCKER,   
THE "PLEASE DON'T SPEAK!"

OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THE MOMENT WHEN   
I'M NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER OH, I'M NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK,   
NO NEVER NO,

I'M NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK OR WHATEVER EVER...  
AGAIN!

_Nino tugs on Adrien’s arm_

Nino: Adrien? Are you coming?

Adrien: Optic Nerve Blocking: On. (The line that killed the fandom)

_The stage lights cut off. When they flicker back on, Nino is gone_

Nathaniel: Now, let's get to work.

_Nathaniel and Marc lead Adrien away_

Students:   
AH, AH, AH, AH

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

End of Act 1


	13. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s up with Alix at the end?

_Halloween eve. Everyone getting ready for the Halloween party_

_Mylène walks onto the stage dressed as a sexy mouse_

Myléne:   
PICKED OUT A COSTUME FOR TONIGHT   
MADE SURE TO GET A SIZE THAT WAS A LOT TOO TIGHT

YOU CAN KINDA SEE MY BUSINESS   
BUT I'LL ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW

WHOA

_Kim enters dressed as Prince_

Kim:   
I GOT A CONDOM

_Aurore is wearing a pink sexy baby costume_

Aurore:   
AND A FLASK

_Alix has on a black trench coat and her face is covered with a goalie mask. In her hand is a loaf of bread_

Alix:   
I STOLE MY OLDER BROTHER'S JASON MASK AND I DON'T HAVE A MACHETE   
BUT A LOAF OF BREAD WILL DO

OOO

_Adrien gets ready for the party. He is dressed as a cyborg. Nathaniel and Marc are dressed as Anime villains_

Nathaniel: Tonight's the night. This is what we've been working towards. Are you ready?

Adrien: _Robot voice_ Affirmative.

_Nathaniel and Marc glare at him_

Adrien: I mean... I got this.

ALL:   
OOO

Kim: WHO’S READY FOR MY HALLOWEEN PARTY?!?!

EVERYBODY'S GOT A RED SOLO CUP  
FILL IT UP!, FILL IT UP!   
HEAR THE BEER SPILL ON THE GROUND

Kim/Myléne:   
EVERYBODY'S ALL LIKE: "SUP?!,"

Kim/Myléne/Alix:   
"YO MAN, SUP?!"

Kim/Myléne:   
LET'S CATCH UP, LET'S SMOKE UP

Kim/Myléne/Aurore:   
LOOK HOW MANY DRINKS I'VE DOWNED

Kim/Myléne/Aurore/Alix:   
EVERY SINGLE SONG'S ALL LIKE WHUP! THEY'RE ALL WHUP!

WE'RE LIKE YUP! TURN IT UP!   
AS WE STUMBLE TO THE SOUND

 _Alya enters in a scary clown costume, and Marinette in a renaissance princess costume, to their deligh_ t

Kim/Myléne/Aurore/Alix/Alya/Marinette:   
CUZ A HALLOWEEN PARTY'S A RAD EXCUSE   
TO PUT YOUR BODY THROUGH MAD ABUSE AND I MIGHT PASS OUT, BUT IT'S ALRIGHT CUZ I'M HALLOWEEN PARTYING HARD TONIGHT

IT'S HALLOWEEN   
IT'S HALLOWEEN

_Adrien enters in his cyborg costume with Nathaniel and Marc. Myléne lights up when she sees him_

Myléne: Jeremy! I was afraid you weren't coming. Did you get my messages?

Nathaniel: Play it off.

Adrien: Am I late? Didn't even realize.

_Myléne looks a little crushed_

Myléne: What do you think of my costume? I figured, you always see sexy cats, but no one ever goes as a sexy dog.

Adrien: It's...

Marc: Vague compliment.

Adrien: ...original.

_When he sees Myléne's reaction, he immediately feels bad_

Adrien: I mean, amazing. Seriously. I can't believe I'm with a girl who looks like you.

Myléne: Chloe said it was dumb. You need a drink! 

_She walks away. Adrien turns to Marc_

Adrien: Did you see the look on her face? She thought I stood her up!

Marc: And she was so excited when she realized you hadn't. People want what they don't have. Look who's here.

_Adrien sees Marinette approaching Kim_

Marinette: Sorry I'm late.

Kim: I didn't even realize.

Marinette: Oh. Okay... I thought we were going as prince and princess

Kim: Right. I'm Prince! What are you supposed to be?

Marinette: It's an authentic Renaissance... Never mind.

Kim: Ohhh… You want a drink?

Marinette: Sure—

Kim: Cool, they're over there!

_Kim joins the other partygoers, leaving Marinette alone_

All:   
ALL CRANK THE BASS, IT'S HALLOWEEN   
BREAK A VASE, IT'S HALLOWEEN   
JELLO SHOTS! IT'S HALLOWEEN   
LIVER SPOTS FROM HALLOWEEN

_Kim and Adrien have a dance-off that ends in Adrien winning against Kim. Marinette and Aurore watch, astonished. When the dance ends, Aurore approaches Adrien_

Aurore: I'm supposed to get you. Myléne has a surprise.

Adrien: What kind of surprise?

Aurore: The kind where you don't ask questions and follow me upstairs.

_Aurore exits with Adrien_

All:  
EVERYBODY'S GOT A RED SOLO CUP   
FILL IT UP! FILL IT UP!  
HEAR THE BEER SPILL ON THE GROUND

EVERYBODY'S ALL LIKE: "SUP?!," "YO MAN, SUP?!"   
LET'S CATCH UP, LET'S SMOKE UP   
LOOK HOW MANY DRINKS I'VE DOWNED

EVERY SINGLE SONG'S GOING WHUP, THEY'RE ALL WHUP!   
WE'RE LIKE YUP! TURN IT UP!   
AS WE STUMBLE TO THE SOUND

CUZ A HALLOWEEN PARTY'S A RAD EXCUSE   
TO PUT YOUR BODY THROUGH MAD ABUSE AND I MIGHT PASS OUT, BUT IT'S ALRIGHT CUZ I'M HALLOWEEN PARTYING HARD TONIGHT

IT'S HALLOWEEN!   
IT'S HALLOWEEN!......

_Alix's dancing becomes less joyful and more of a desperate freak-out. It's clear something is not okay with her. People see this and exit to get away until she ends up alone_

_The lights dim_


	14. Do You Wanna Hang?

_Adrien follows Aurore into a bedroom_

Aurore: Jake’s parents' room. Don't worry. They're not using it.

_Adrien becomes a little flustered_

Adrien: You really know your way around.

Aurore: Yeah, I've had sex in pretty much every room in this house.

Adrien: What?!

Aurore: Because I dated Jake! God, what kind of slut do you think I am?

_Aurore raises her baby bottle and chugs from it_

Adrien: Where's Brooke?

Aurore: Oh my God you are too freaking adorable. Brooke not coming!

Adrien: She's not? Then why…

_Aurore begins to stroke Adrien’s chest_

Aurore:   
DO YOU WANNA HANG?   
DO YOU WANNA HANG?   
DO YOU WANNA HANG FOR A BIT?   
JUST YOU AND ME   
INTIMATELY   
TALKING ABOUT ALL OF OUR FEELINGS AND SHIT

_Aurore then pushes Adrien onto the bed and crawls on top of him_

Aurore:   
DO YOU WANNA GET   
DO YOU WANNA GET   
DO YOU WANNA GET REALLY DEEP?   
WE COULD CONNECT   
IF I GET WRECKED   
YOU COULD ROCK THIS BABY FAST ASLEEP

Adrien: I have to go… I can't stand up.

_A spotlight shines on Nathaniel and Marc. The two are making out next to the bed. Nathaniel turns to Adrien as Marc kisses his neck_

Nathaniel: You're welcome.

Aurore: I don't know why she's so crazy about you. You're not that cute. No offense.

Adrien: None taken. I should get back—

Aurore: You know she's not that innocent. That wounded puppy routine? It's how she gets all the guys. Acts all helpless so they want to protect her. Not that I care.

_It dawns on Adrien..._

Adrien: You're jealous of Brooke!

Aurore: Um. Obviously I'm not.

Adrien: That's insane! Why would you be jealous of anyone? You're the hottest girl in school!... Did I just say that out—

_Suddenly, Aurore kisses him. Adrien tries pulling away_

Adrien: Whoa, whoa! Make it stop!

_Nathaniel turns away from Adrien to continue his and Marc’s little make out session_

Nathaniel: I don't understand the request.

Aurore:   
DO YOU WANNA STOP?   
DO YOU WANNA STOP?   
DO YOU WANNA STOP BEING COY?

DO YOU WANNA GET   
DO YOU WANNA GET   
DO YOU WANNA GET INSIDE MY DIAPER, BOY?

_She hands him the bottle and drunkenly giggles_

Aurore: It's not actually milk.

Adrien: Oh...I'm not really a big—

_Nathaniel forces Adrien to drink the liquor-filled bottle_

Adrien: Drinker!

_Marc makes Adrien kiss Aurore. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door_

Myléne: Jeremy? Are you in there? Jenna Rolan said she saw you go upstairs. Jeremy?

_Finally Myléne goes away. Adrien exhales_

Adrien: If Jenna Rolan saw us...

Aurore: Jenna Rolan should mind her own business.

Adrien: Brooke's going to find out. Don't you care?

Aurore: You're less cute when you're talking.

_Adrien desperately turns to Nathaniel and Marc_

Adrien: Help me out here!

Marc: **Konichiwa**!

Adrien: What?

Marc: Sorry, Jeremy. Alcohol temporarily scrambles our **shisutemu**!

Adrien: Then why did you make me drink it?!?

Nathaniel: It was important you take advantage of the **jōkyō**. You'll thank us **atode**.

Aurore: Whatever, I've had enough—

_A door knocking sound effect is played_

Kim: Jeremy Heere?!

Aurore: Ooh, the fun begins.

Adrien: Is that...Jake?

Kim: Jeremy, I know you're not fucking on my parent's bed, because if you were, I'd have to rip your dick off!

Aurore: GREAT, THEN YOU CAN BOTH BE DICK-LESS!

Kim: ...Chloe?

_The doorknob rattles as Kim tries to get in. When he can't open the door, he begins throwing himself at it._

Aurore: HEAR THAT? I'M DOIN’ IT WITH JEREMY ALL OVER YOUR PARENTS' LINENS!

Adrien: No we're not, I swear we're not!

_It goes silent_

Adrien: ...Maybe he believed me and went away.

_A fist smashes through the prop window_

Marc: **Kei-koku, kei-koku**

_As Kim pulls himself into view, Aurore straddles a now-shirtless Adrien_

Kim: You're fucking dead, Heere!

Aurore: Go away, we're busy SCREWING!

_Adrien pries himself away from Aurore and runs to the door. He opens it to discover Myléne_

Myléne: Jeremy?

Adrien: Brooke!

_He stands frozen for a beat. Then Kim makes it through the window._

Kim: Jeremy!

Adrien: I'm sorry!

_Adrien pushes Myléne aside, and runs down the hall, as Kim chases after him, but stumbles a bit_

Kim: I'll kill you, Jeremy! Ooh man, I shouldn't have drank so much Peach Schnapps.

_Adrien runs into a bathroom. Locks the door, takes several deep breaths. Sits down on the edge of the tub. A monster hand reaches up to grab him. Adrien screams. The hand pulls itself up, revealing...)_

Nino: Sup.


	15. Michael In The Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for the feels

Adrien: Michael? I didn't know you were invited to this party.

Nino: I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing...this clever disguise!

_He gestures to his trash monster costume. Adrien just stares at him as he takes it off, revealing a black shirt with the word ‘CREEPS’ written across in green letters_

Nino: You're speechless. Squip got your tongue?

Adrien: It's...off.

Nino: That would explain why you're talking to me… I've been thinking about this moment. What I would say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship... What?

Adrien: It's really good to see you, man.

Nino: It won't be. Once you hear what I found out.

Adrien: Found out?

Nino: About...

_He taps his head. Adrien has a look of realization_

Adrien: How? There's nothing on the internet—

Nino: Which is weird, right? I mean, what's not on the internet? So I started asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with... Told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?

Adrien: Really happy and successful?

Nino: He's in a mental hospital. Totally lost it.

Adrien: I don't see what that has to do with...

Nino: Think, man! We're talking about an insanely powerful supercomputer. You really think its primary function is to get you laid? Who made them? How did they end up in a high school? In Jersey? Of all possible applications for such a mind- blowingly advanced technology, you ever wonder what it's doing inside YOU?...

Adrien: And I thought Chloe was jealous...

Nino: I'm honestly asking!

Adrien: Really? Because I think you're pissed I have one and you don't!

_Nino rolls his eyes_

Nino: Come on—

Adrien: Maybe I got lucky, is that so weird? With my history, I'd say the universe owed me one. And I don't know about your friend's brother's whatever, but if you're telling me his Squip made him crazy—

Nino: His squip didn't make him crazy.

Adrien: Oh. Well... There you go.

Nino: He went crazy trying to get it out!

Adrien: Then I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?

_He heads for the door. But Nino is in his way and isn’t moving any time soon_

Adrien: Move it.

Nino: Or you'll what?

_The audience holds their breath. Many know what’s going to come next_

Adrien: Get out of my way. Loser. 

_Nino, with a look of heartbreak, steps aside and Adrien exits. He slumps down onto the floor. A knock on the door._

Alya: Hello! Other people have to pee!

Nino: I'm having my period!

Alya: ...Take your time, honey.

Nino:   
I AM HANGING IN THE BATHROOM   
AT THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE FALL   
I COULD STAY RIGHT HERE   
OR DISAPPEAR   
AND NOBODY'S EVEN NOTICE AT ALL

I'M A CREEPER IN A BATHROOM   
CUZ MY BUDDY KINDA LEFT ME ALONE   
BUT I'D RATHER FAKE PEE   
THAN STAND AWKWARDLY   
OR PRETEND TO CHECK A TEXT ON MY PHONE

EVERYTHING FELT FINE   
WHEN I WAS HALF OF A PAIR   
NOW THROUGH NO FAULT OF MINE   
THERE'S NO OTHER HALF THERE

NOW I'M JUST

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY   
FORGET HOW LONG IT'S BEEN   
I'M JUST

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARTY   
NO YOU CAN'T COME IN

I'M WAITING IT OUT TILL IT'S TIME I LEAVE AND PICKING AT GROUT AS I SOFTLY GRIEVE I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW MICHAEL FLYING SOLO

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF   
ALL BY HIMSELF

I'M HIDING, BUT HE'S OUT THERE   
JUST IGNORING ALL OUR HISTORY   
MEMORIES GET ERASED   
THEN I'LL GET REPLACED   
WITH A NEWER COOLER VERSION OF ME

AND I HEAR A DRUNK GIRL   
SING ALONG TO WHITNEY THROUGH THE DOOR

(I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY!)

AND MY FEELINGS SINK   
CUZ IT MAKES ME THINK   
NOW THERE'S NO ONE TO MAKE FUN OF DRUNK GIRLS WITH ANYMORE

NOW IT'S JUST

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY   
I HALF REGRET THE BEERS

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARTY   
AND AS I CHOKE BACK TEARS

I'LL WAIT AS LONG AS I NEED TILL MY FACE IS DRY   
OR I'LL JUST BLAME IT ON WEED OR SOMETHING IN MY EYE

I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW MICHAEL FLYING SOLO   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF

(KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK)

Nino:   
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK   
THEY'RE GONNA START TO SHOUT SOON   
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK   
AW HELL, YEAH I'LL BE OUT SOON

Nino/Party Goers:   
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Nino:   
IT SUCKS HE LEFT ME HERE ALONE

Nino/Party Goers:   
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Nino:   
HERE IN THIS TEENAGE BATTLE ZONE

Nino/Party Goers:   
CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG

Nino:   
I FEEL THE PRESSURE BLOWING UP

Nino/Party Goers:   
BANG BANG BANG BANG

Nino:   
MY BIG MISTAKE WAS SHOWING UP

_Nino walks over to the prop sink and pretends to splash some water in his face_

Nino/Party Goers:   
SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH

Nino:   
I THROW SOME WATER IN MY FACE   
AND I AM IN A BETTER PLACE

_He walks over to the door and reaches for the knob_

Nino:   
I GO TO OPEN UP THE DOOR   
BUT CAN'T HEAR KNOCKING ANYMORE…   
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT YEARN FOR A DIFFERENT TIME

BUT THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR   
AND THE PRESENT IS CLEARER   
AND THERE'S NO DENYING I'M   
JUST…

_He doesn’t finish. He bursts into tears, removes his glasses, and uses his sleeve to wipe them away_

Nino:   
AT A PARTY   
IS THERE A SADDER SIGHT THAN (Hums)   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY   
THIS IS A HEINOUS NIGHT

I WISH I STAYED AT HOME IN BED, WATCHING CABLE PORN   
OR WISH I OFFED MYSELF INSTEAD, WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!

I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO'S A LONER   
SO HE MUST BE A STONER   
RIDES A PT CRUISER   
GOD, HE'S SUCH A LOSER!

MICHAEL FLYING SOLO   
WHO YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW   
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF

ALL BY HIMSELF   
ALL BY HIMSELF!...

WELL ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS MY NAME AWESOME PARTY I'M SO GLAD I CAME

_The lights dim. Nino’s solo was given a standing ovation and a few tears from the audience_


	16. The Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into Reprise

_ The living room. The party is winding down, as Alix moves from guest to guest, flailing her arms _

Alix: You got any Mountain Dew Red?!

_ Adrien finds Marinette on the couch, next to a passed out party monster _

Marinette: Hey.

_ Adrien sits down next to the party monster _

Adrien: Yo. So where is your date?

Marinette: He's having make-up sex with Chloe. So, my night's pretty awesome.

Adrien: Sorry.

Marinette: Don't be. I dumped him.

Alix: It looks like normal Mountain Dew? But red?!

Adrien: You dumped Jake? Why? Sorry, you don't have to....

Marinette: I'm not Juliet. And, he's kind of a jerk, so...

Alix: SERIOUSLY! WHERE THE FUCK CAN I GET SOME MOUNTAIN DEW RED?

_ Marinette and Adrien stare at her. Then burst out laughing _

Marinette: Popular people are meeeeeeessssed uuuup.

Adrien: Word.

Marinette: I mean, you're one of them.

Adrien: What? No I'm not.

Marinette: Hello, guy who's been pucking his way through the cast of Midsummer.

Adrien: I'm not— Pucking?

Marinette: You like that? Just made it up. Boo-yeah!... What?

Adrien: It's just... I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now.

Marinette: Say whatever's on your mind.

_ Adrien thinks hard, opens his mouth, and... _

Adrien: Myeeee…

_ Marinette stares at him. Adrien cringes, embarrassed. Until... _

Marinette: Blaaaaa!

Adrien: Woooaamp!

Marinette: Schweeeesh!

_ Suddenly, the party monster freaks them out by making their own weird noise. They laugh and relax _

Marinette:   
IT'S KINDA KILLER TO SIT AND CHAT WITH YOU

Adrien: Really?

Marinette:   
IT'S TRUE   
IT'S PRETTY KILLER TO SIT AND CHAT WITH YOU

Adrien:    
IT'S PRETTY KILLER FOR ME TOO

Marinette/Adrien:   
WOO HOO!   
IT'S PRETTY KILLER TO HANG AND TALK WITH YOU   
I'M GLAD THAT WE BOTH AGREE

Adrien:   
CHRISTIIIIINE...

CHRISTIIIIINE...

CHRISTIIIIINE, WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

Marinette: Jeremy, I...can't...

_ Adrien looks heartbroken. The audience can’t tell if he’s acting or not _

Adrien: I thought we were friends—

Marinette: We are. But... I don't think I should go out with anyone until I know who I am. I know that's not what you wanted to... I'm sorry.

_ Marinette gets up and leaves. Alix, watching nearby, imitates an exploding bomb _

Alix: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!... CRASH!... Got any Mountain Dew Red?

Adrien: Okay, this whole no-drinking-while-squipping thing? Would it have killed you to give me a warning?...Rachel? Are you okay?

_ Suddenly Alix rises, as if an on-switch in her brain has been flipped _

Alix: Warning. Warning. Warning.

_Alix walks away_

Adrien: … Okay, that's weird.

_ A spotlight shines on Nathaniel and Marc _

Nathaniel/Marc: Hello, Jeremy.

Adrien: About time!

Nathaniel: Our absence was not ideal. But it was necessary. One moment while we review the data from this evening… Oh my.

Marc: Oh no.

Adrien: It's bad, right?

Marc: We need to get you home.

Adrien: But—

Nathaniel: Now! Move!

_ Adrien runs out of the house _

_ The scene switches to a basement setting. Alix is twitching, and holding her head in plain _

Alix: Get outta my head you shitty-ass tic-tac!

_ A spotlight shines on her Squip. It’s Mireille dressed in a blue tank top, black leather jacket, black skinny jeans, and black pumps _

Mireille: How do you plan to stop me, Rachel?

_ Alix looks around and spots a can of gasoline. She smirks _

Alix: With this...

…


	17. The Smartphone Hour

_ The lights dim, then brighten a moment later so the audience sees three beds on the stage. Alya is sitting on the one in the middle, texting on her cell phone _

Alya:   
OMG CHLO, ANSWER ME.   
WHOA, WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHAT I HEARD!

IT'S TOO FUCKED TO TYPE   
THIS SHIT IS RIPE   
CALL BACK, I'LL YELL YOU EVERY WORD

_ Aurore, sitting on the bed to the right, hears her phone ringing. She decides whether or not she's gonna pick it up _

Aurore:   
JENNA ROLAN CALLING   
UGH JENNA ROLAN CALLING   
JENNA ROLAN CALLING

_ She answers _

HEY

Alya:   
OH MY GOD   
OH MY GOD   
OK  SO

AT THE END OF LAST NIGHT'S PARTY   
VERY END OF LAST NIGHT'S PARTY   
DID YOU SEE RACHEL

Aurore:   
OH, I SAW RACHEL

Alya:   
SO, SHE'S BEHAVING HAZY  
LIKE A TWEAKIN' JUNKY  
FLAILING CRAZY   
LIKE A FREAKIN' MONKEY

Aurore:   
SHE'S GOTTA LEARN TO HANDLE HER HIGH   
SHE SHOULDN'T DRINK SO MUCH FOR A SMALL GAL

Alya:   
RIGHT, BUT SHE WASN'T DRUNK

Aurore:   
THE HELL YOU SAY, JENNA?

Alya:   
YO! SHE WASN'T DRUNK

Aurore:   
THE HELL YOU SAY, JENNA?!

Alya:   
NO!   
BECAUSE I HEARD FROM DUSTIN KROPP   
RACHEL HAD BARELY TOUCHED THE GIN

WHICH MEANS THAT YOU CAN'T BLAME THE THINGS SHE DID ON ALCOHOL!   
IT'S JUST SO TERRIBLE, I DON'T WANT TO RELIVE IT ALL

BUT DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU?

Aurore:   
SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT

Alya:   
YOU REALLY WANT ME TO TELL YOU?

Aurore:   
SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT

Alya:   
I'LL TELL YOU CUZ YOU ARE MY CLOSEST FRIEND

Aurore:   
NO, I'M NOT

Alya:   
YEAH, I KNOW   
BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED AT THE PARTY'S END…

RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE OH   
RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE OH!

I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING   
EVERYBODY WAS SCREAMING

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE   
WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE!

_ Aurore hangs up with Alya, then calls someone else _

Aurore:   
OMG   
BROOKE, ANSWER ME   
LOOK, WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHAT I SAW

_ Mylène, sitting on the bed to the left, rolls her eyes and crosses her arms _

Myléne:   
IGNORE

Aurore:   
AND ALSO   
SPACE   
AND FROWNY FACE

I'M SORRY THAT JEREMY MADE OUT WITH ME AT THE PARTY BUT IT WAS TOTALLY HIS FAULT AND LETS NOT LET BOYS COME BETWEEN US EVER EVER AGAIN, MKAY? SMILEY FACE, LIPSTICK, KITTEN PAW

_ Aurore calls. Myléne smiles and picks up _

Myléne:  Hey!

Aurore: We cool?

Myléne: We are!

Aurore: Okay so—  
AT THE END OF LAST NIGHT'S PARTY   
VERY END OF LAST NIGHT'S PARTY   
DID YOU SEE RACHEL?

Myléne:   
NO I WAS CRYING

Aurore:   
SHE'S BEHAVING WEIRD   
AND I WAS FRIGHTENED

CUZ I FEARED   
HER STATE WAS HEIGHTENED

Myléne:   
SHE'S GOTTA LEARN TO NOT REALLY SMOKE A LOT   
SHE SHOULDN'T GET SO HIGH FOR A TINY GAL

Aurore/Myléne:   
SHE'S GOTTA LEARN TO NOT REALLY SMOKE A LOT   
SHE SHOULDN'T GET SO HIGH FOR A TINY GAL

Aurore:   
RIGHT, BUT SHE WASN'T HIGH  
WHICH MEANS THAT YOU CAN'T BLAME THE THINGS SHE DID ON POT

IT WAS SO AWFUL SO I'LL TALK ABOUT IT A LOT!   
RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE

OH

I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING   
EVERYBODY WAS SCREAMING   
WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE   
WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE

_ Some students push the beds off the stage. The girls get up and start texting along with more students _

Alya:   
HEY, EVERYBODY, HAVE YOU HEARD?   
RACHEL SET A FIRE NOW GO SPREAD THE WORD

Aurore:   
SENDING A TEXT!

All:   
TEXT!

Aurore:   
SENDING A TWEET!

All:   
TWEET!

Aurore:   
SENDING A TEXT!

All:   
TEXT!

Aurore:   
TWEET!

All:   
TWEET!   
RELEASE THE INFORMATION   
STEP AND REPEAT

Myléne:   
I'LL SPREAD THE WORD

All:   
WORD

Myléne:   
THAT RACHEL IS FLECKED

All:   
FLECKED?

Myléne:   
NO I WROTE FUCKED   
DOES THAT SAY FLECKED?   
SORRY, GUYS, IT'S JUST MY AUTO CORRECT

All:   
ALWAYS BE AWARE OF AUTO CORRECT   
R-A-C-H, CAN YOU SEE?   
JUST HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOUR TRAGEDY?

I CHANGED MY PROFILE PIC TO YOU   
NOW I FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH

R-A-C-H, WOW, IT'S A DRAG   
I READ SHE READ THEY READ YOU'RE IN A BODY BAG

R-A-C-H, DAMN, CAN YOU SEE?   
JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR TRAGEDY?

HI (HI)   
YO (YO)

SUP (SUP)  
SUP (SUP)

FIRE!

TEXT IT  
TEXT IT  
PASS IT  
TALK IT

READY? OKAY!   
HERE WE GO!

RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE   
OH!  
RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE

IT WAS SO TERRIBLY GORY   
I GOT THE WHOLE BLOODY STORY   
AND YEAH, I WASN'T QUITE THERE   
BUT I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I SWEAR

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED THE HOUSE DOWN

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE LEVELED THE TOWN

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE THEN SHE FLED TO BOMBAY

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE CUZ SHE KNEW SHE WAS GAY

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE MELTED HER HEAD

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND IS TOTALLY DEAD

WHEN RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE

WHOA  
YEAH YEAH YEAH   
DID YOU HEAR? DID YOU HEAR?

WHOA WHOA WHOA  
DID YOU HEAR? DID YOU HEAR?   
YEAH YEAH YEAH

DID YOU HEAR? DID YOU HEAR?   
WHOA WHOA WHOA  
DID YOU HEAR? DID YOU HEAR?

THAT RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE  
RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE  
RACHEL SET A FIRE ANDS SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE

Alya/Aurore/Mylène: SHE TOLD ME CUZ SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND

All: RACHEL SET A FIRE AND SHE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE!   
SEND!   
END!

_ Alya, Aurore, and Mylène pose with their phones raised in the air  _ _ The audience claps and cheers as the lights dim. _


	18. The Pitiful Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathaniel scatting is my new favorite thing

_ The stage brightened again to show the school. Adrien, standing by his locker with Nathaniel and Marc, is looking down at his phone _

Adrien: Oh my God. They're saying Rachel is in the hospital! And Jake broke both his legs trying to save her! This is terrible. How could Rachel’s squip let her do it?

Nathaniel: Rachel was under a lot of pressure at home. With her squip disabled due to the alcohol, it seems she lacked the proper...coping mechanism.

Adrien: Did you know? You made me leave the party.

Marc: We were aware of certain...probabilities.

Adrien: Did you know people were going to get hurt?

_ Nathaniel and Marc frown _

Marc: … We’re getting the impression you don't trust us, Jeremy.

Adrien: Why me?

Nathaniel: We don't understand the question.

Adrien: You could be inside world leaders, presidents. Famous people! What are you doing in me? What do you want?

Marc: We promise you, our sole function is to improve your life.

Adrien: Well, awesome job! My best friend thinks I'm a jerk, I really hurt Brooke, and Christine – you were supposed to make her like me!

Nathaniel: And we will. In time. She is only human. We must account for human error.

Adrien: You were supposed to make everything better! So why isn't-

Marc: Jeremy, look at yourself! You dress better, you are… 93% more attractive! You have had more experience with the opposite sex.

Nathaniel: Which is to say: you've had experience with the opposite sex. But human activity is a matter of input as well as output!

Adrien: What does that mean?

Nathaniel: The fault... is in your peers.

  
YOU WERE ALWAYS QUITE THE LOSER, JEREMY  
THEN WE INVADED   
AND YOU UPGRADED

BA-DA-BA-BA   
OH JEREMY   
IT'S TRUE WE FOUND YOU   
BUT LOOK AROUND YOU

WHOA-OH

Marc:   
ALL YOUR PEERS ARE ALL SO INCOMPLE-E-E-ETE   
YOU CAN'T SENSE IT BUT WE SEE THEIR PA-A-A-AIN

THEIR OPERATING SYSTEM’S OBSOLE-E-E-ETE   
SO LET'S COMPLETE THE CHAINS   
AND GET INSIDE THOSE BRAINS

Nathaniel/Marc:   
LET'S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN (WHOA-OH)   
LET'S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN (WHOA-OH)

LET'S TEACH THE PITIFUL CHILDREN   
WHO JUST HAVEN'T A CLUE   
JUST WHAT TO DO   
HE-ELP THEM TO HE-E-E-ELP YOU

_ Nathaniel and Marc point to a locker covered with flowers and a banner: "GET WELL SOON, RACHEL!" _

Adrien: This is Rachel’s locker.

Nathaniel: Open it.

Adrien: I don't know the combination—

_ Nathaniel guides his hands to perform the combination.  _ _ He opens the locker and takes out a shoebox _

Adrien: Ladies running shoes?

_ When he opens it, he pulls out a grey pill _

Adrien: There's gotta be enough squips in here for...

Marc: The entire school?

_ Alya walks by, looking sad _

Adrien: What's wrong?

Alya: I make it my business to know everyone's business. But does anyone ever want to know mine? No!

Marc: So sad. But you can help her.

_ Adrien removes a pill from the box and gives it to Alya _

Alya: Is this, like, drugs?

Adrien: Nnnnyes?

_ With a shrug, she takes it _

Alya: …I don't feel anything.

Adrien: Oh! You have to take it with Mountain Dew!

Alya: Okay.

_ She pulls a Mountain Dew from her backpack and drinks it... _

Alya: OW!

_ Suddenly, she vocalizes, beaming with joy _

Nathaniel:   
CAN YOU SEE THE VISION CLEARLY, JEREMY? PEOPLE EMBRACING   
AND INTERFACING   
BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

Marc:   
SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE SINGING SWE-E-EETLY

Alya:   
YEAH!

Marc:   
GONE IS HUMAN ERROR AND FEAR

Alya:   
BEEP BOP BOO BEEP BOP BOO BEEP BOP BOO BEEP

Marc:   
EVERY ISSUE TUCKED AWAY SO NE-E-EATLY  IF YOU FEEL A SOB OR TEAR

Nathaniel/Marc:   
JUST TURN YOUR KNOB AND SWITCH THAT GEAR   
LET'S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN

Alya:   
YEAH!

Nathaniel/Marc:   
LET'S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN

Alya:   
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

Nathaniel/Marc:   
LET'S TEACH THE PITIFUL CHILDREN   
WHO JUST HAVEN'T A CLUE   
JUST WHAT TO DO   
HE-ELP THEM AND SOON THIS WILL BE YOU

_ Luka, Kagami, Rose, Juleka, Sabrina, and Chloé, dressed in black shirts, pants, and ties with their corresponding colors take the stage and dance during the instrumental _

All:   
LET'S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN

_ Nathaniel scats _

Nathaniel:   
RAP BEEP BEEP BOP

All:  
LET'S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN

Nathaniel:   
RE BOP BO BEEP BOP BO BEEP BOP BO

All:   
LET'S TEACH THE PITIFUL CHILDREN   
WHO JUST HAVEN'T A CLUE

Nathaniel/Marc:   
IF THAT'S WHAT WE DO   
IF THAT'S WHAT WE DO   
THEN

All:   
EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS GOING TO BE WONDERFUL   
WE LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT SQUIPS

EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS GOING TO BE SO ALIVE   
WE COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT SQUIPS

Nathaniel/Marc:   
YOU WON'T FEEL LEFT OUT OR UNSURE

All:   
WON'T BE PITIFUL CHILDREN ANYMORE   
'CUZ EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS GOING TO BE COOL...

WHEN... WE... RULE!


	19. The Pants Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Ivan’s singing!

_The stage lights turn on to show Ivan, sitting at the kitchen table. Adrien enters with Nathaniel and Marc, carrying the shoebox. He looks good. He acts cold_

Ivan: Where do you think you're going, private?

Adrien: The play?

Ivan: What play? You're in a play? Did you borrow my car on Halloween?

Nathaniel: Disdainful denial.

Adrien: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ivan: Then I guess I should blame the car elves.

Adrien: Do whatever you want.

_Adrien starts to go_

Ivan: Did you take it to that party?

Marc: Wait.

_Adrien stops_

Ivan: I'm worried about you! You come and go all hours, doing God knows what, wearing these new clothes... What is going on with you?

Marc: Tell him the truth.

Adrien: I took a pill-sized supercomputer called a Squip that's in my brain, and it talks to me, and it's made everything better!

Ivan: ... If you're not going to take me seriously—

Adrien: Why should I?

Ivan: Excuse me?

Adrien: I'm supposed to believe you care? Look in the mirror! Ever since Mom left, you sit around like you're waiting for her to come back! If she did, you know what she'd find? A loser who's so afraid to have a life, he can't even put PANTS ON!

Ivan: I could ground you.

Adrien: I don't think you could. Good talk.

_Adrien makes a show of taking the car keys_

Adrien: Don't wait up.

_Adrien exits. Ivan sits for a beat. He furrows his brow and sighs_

Ivan:   
JEREMY   
IS IN BIG BAD TROUBLE RIGHT NOW   
IT'S A TROUBLE THAT   
HE CAN'T SEE   
SO I GOTTA HELP HIM SOMEHOW

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS   
BUT I KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS   
HE'LL NEED A DAD SO STRONG   
TO HELP HIM NOT SLIP AWAY   
I HAVEN'T BEEN A DAD FOR SO LONG   
BUT I THINK I'M READY TODAY

SITUATION IS GRAVE   
NOW'S THE TIME TO BE BRAVE   
I'M GONNA FINALLY MAKE THAT CLIMB   
ONE LEG AT A TIME

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY   
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY   
YOU TAKE A CHANCE JUST FOR THEM   
CHANCE JUST FOR THEM

IF THE ROAD GETS MUDDY   
FOCUS ON THE GOAL 'TILL THE ROUGH STUFF'S GONE   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON

_The scene changes to Nino sitting on a porch, smoking a joint and cutting up mementos_

Nino: Magic the Gathering card he gave me for the birthday no one else remembered... Cut it. Ticket stub from our first concert. Weird Al... Super cut it.

_Ivan approaches. He is wearing a pair of thermal underwear_

Ivan: Michael!

_Nino hides the joint_

Nino: Mr. Heere, what are you doing here? 

Ivan: We need to talk about Jeremy.

Nino: Sorry, Jeremy and I aren't friends anymore—

Ivan: Do you love him?

_Nino looks away, embarrassed_

Nino: What?

Ivan: He can be a little shit sometimes. We both know that. But that's no excuse to sit around burning incense while he turns himself into a monster!

Nino: Yeahh, I'm gonna—

_He starts to head inside. But Ivan blocks his way_

Ivan:   
I NEED YOU   
CUZ I DO NOT HAVE THE TOOLS   
TO HELP WITH WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH AND I KNOW YOU KNOW ALL THE RULES

Nino:   
BUT I'M NOT WHAT HE WANTS

Ivan:   
BUT YOU'RE JUST WHAT HE NEEDS   
THIS MIGHT BE HARD I KNOW   
BUT JUST SUCK IT UP AND GO

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY   
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY   
YOU TAKE A STANCE JUST FOR THEM   
STANCE JUST FOR THEM

IF THE FIGHT GETS BLOODY   
JUST KEEP PUSHING THROUGH 'TILL THE PAIN IS GONE   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON

Nino: You're here because you need...pants?

Ivan: Oh no, I need you to reach out to him. Jeremy won't listen to me. And I can't blame him. But somebody has to watch his back.

Nino: ... If I try harder to be his friend...you have to try harder to be his dad! There's a Kohl's down the street. I don't care what kind— jeans, khakis, leather. You're not leaving that store until you buy a pair.

_Ivan takes his hand and gives it a firm shake_

Ivan: You drive a hard bargain, son.

Nino:   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY   
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM

Ivan:   
WEAR THOSE PANTS

Nino:   
SOMEWHAT RELUCTANTLY   
STILL YOU GOTTA GO

Nino/Ivan:   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY   
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM   
METAPHORICALLY

Ivan:   
OR SOMETIMES ACTUAL PANTS   
REAL, LITERAL PANTS

Nino/Ivan:   
IT'S A CLASSIC STUDY   
OF THINGS WE DO FOR OUR BEST FRIEND WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY

Nino:   
YOU SEE IT TO THE END

Nino/Ivan:   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY

Ivan:   
THE CONCLUSION'S FOREGONE

Nino/Ivan:   
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY  
YOU PUT YOUR BIG BOY PANTS RIGHT ON YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON!


	20. The Play

_The night of the play. Marinette addresses the audience in a pre-curtain speech_

Marinette: Welcome, everybody. Thank you so much for coming to our production of "A Midsummer Nightmare About Zombies". It's been a rough week for all of us at Middleborough. That's why this play is so important – to bring this school together! To show you something special! I know that if Rachel were here, instead of the intensive care unit at Beth Israel, she'd say: "Go out and show everyone the relevant power of live theatre!"

Max: Costumes!

Marinette: Oh... And a special thanks to Hobby Lobby for the costumes.

_Backstage at the play. Everyone is getting in and out of costumes_

Marinette: Places, everyone! Break a leg!

_Kim, on crutches with both legs in casts, glares at her_

Kim: Not cool, dude!

_He shuffles off as Adrien enters_

Adrien: Marinette!

Marinette: Adrien! Where have you been? It's so bad. Max made himself your understudy.

Adrien: Isn't he understudying Rachel?

Marinette: He’s both.

Adrien: Oh God. Look, I've been thinking about what you said at the party—

Marinette: I can't do this now...

Adrien: But I finally understand! You can't go out with anyone because you don't know who you are yet. Right?

Marinette: Yeah, but-

Adrien: Well, I get that! And that's awesome, actually, because I felt that way too! I mean, I didn't realize that's what I felt, I thought it was just about being cool. But it was more than that. It was about being confident, and understanding who I am... And I couldn't have figured that on my own!

Marinette: You're saying... I helped you do that?

Adrien: Not you. This.

_He opens his hand...and presents her with a Squip_

Adrien: It's from Japan—It's a computer— And it tells you what to do! You'd never have to struggle to figure out what to say, or over analyze some little gestures, ever again. You'd just know. Like play rehearsal. Only it never has to end.

Marinette: Jeremy, that sounds...horrible.

Adrien: Yeah! ...What?

Marinette: Maybe I have stuff to figure out. But I don't need a pill to do it for me!

Adrien: It's not like that! It'll help you to be better—

Marinette: What's wrong with me now?!

_Max enters. He’s squeezed himself into a costume_

Max: Christine! Props has whipped up a fresh beaker of Puck's Pansy Serum.

_He hands her a beaker of yellow-green liquid, then looks to Adrien, embarrassed_

Max: Oh...Jeremy. I suppose you'll be wanting your costume back.

_He walks away, now struggling to remove the costume_

Marinette: I have to go, Jeremy.

_She exits with the beaker. Adrien calls out to her_

Adrien: Christine, wait! Shit, shit! What did I do?

_Nathaniel and Marc appear. They no longer look fully human. The ends of their hair have been dyed white, they have black eye contact lenses, black circuits are painted on their faces, and their voices sound a little distorted_

Nathaniel/Marc: It's okay, Jeremy. We anticipated her resistance.

Adrien: Then why did you let me say all that stuff?!

Marc: So you'd see for yourself what's necessary. Not everyone is as open to change as you were. Offering them all a choice would simply delay the result we desire.

Adrien: No, she's right. I don't think I can do this. We should put these back in Rachel’s locker, and—

_He pulls out the shoebox. And discovers that it's empty_

Adrien: What happened to the rest of the Squips?

Nathaniel: We anticipated your resistance too, Jeremy. 

Marc: So we took the decision out of your hands.

_Max enters_

Max: Places for scene two, people! Remember, once Puck gives you the Pansy Serum, you have to really sell that you're transforming into a zombie! Excellent work, Miss Valentine!

Adrien: Excellent? Chloe’s terrible. She never remembers her...

_It dawns on Adrien…_

Adrien: Mr. Reyes...what's in the Pansy Serum?

Max: Oh, don't worry about the color. It's perfectly non-toxic. We don't want a repeat of last year's Arsenic and Old Lace debacle. It's just plain old Mountain Dew! Also Jenna Rolan put these Wintergreen Tic-Tacs in the bottom for a little extra flavor.

Adrien: NO! You can't let anyone drink from that beaker!

Max: Don't be silly, it's more than safe. I should know... I tried it myself.

_Max, Nathaniel, and Marc lock eyes..._

Nathaniel/Marc: Up up down down left right A!

_Max twitches and screeches. Shrugging off years of nerdiness_

Adrien: I have to get out there—

_Max grabs Adrien's arm. He’s surprisingly strong_

Max: I can't let you do that, Jeremy.

Adrien: Mr. Reyes?

Max: You needy, pathetic, self-centered students! You think I wanted to teach high school drama? In New Jersey of all places?! My Squip says I can go all the way to Broadway! I just have to make sure you don't ruin my big night!

_He exits. Adrien turns to Nathaniel and Marc_

Adrien: What are you doing to him?!

Nathaniel: We’re syncing his desires to your own! We now realize: our operating system can only truly be complete when everyone shares a social network.

_Backstage, Myléne-as-Titania rehearses her lines. She’s terrible_

Myléne: "What...angel wakes me from my... flowery... bed." Ugh, I'm so thirsty.

_She goes for the beaker_

Adrien: Brooke, no!

_Marc holds out a hand to restrain him. Myléne drinks the serum_

Myléne: OW!

_A spotlight shines on Sabrina, dressed in a purple blouse, black pants, and black pumps_

Mylène: "I warn thee, gentle mortal, it's time to FEED again!"

_Sabrina leads her away. Adrien turns to Nathaniel and Marc in horror_

Adrien: You're going to Squip the whole cast!

Nathaniel: And that's just for starters!

Adrien: That's not what I wanted!

Nathaniel: It's the ONLY way to achieve what you want!

Adrien: I'll fight back. Alcohol messes you up, right? I'll get drunk!

Marc: And we’ll be back when you're sober. Unless you plan to stay wasted forever?

Adrien: You're computers. There has to be some way to turn you off!

Marc: I'd stop there! You don't want to end up like Rachel, do you?

Adrien: Rachel? What did she...

_Alix runs across the stage, screaming,_

Alix: I NEEEED MOUUUNTAIN DEEEEW REEEEDDD!

Adrien: That's it. Green Mountain Dew activates you. Red shuts you off.

Nathaniel: Why do you think we had it discontinued? To get rid of us now, you'd need a time machine to the 1990's!

Adrien: Or a friend who's so old school, he buys 90's soft drinks from the back room at Spencer's Gifts!

Marc: Too bad you don't have one of those. Anymore.

_Adrien frantically pulls out his cell. He struggles to dial a number_

Adrien: Michael! Call: Michael! AAH!

_Nathaniel tightens his fist, Adrien drops the phone. The fight is now physical, with Nathaniel and Marc battling Adrien for control of his body_

Nathaniel/Marc: It's useless resisting, Jeremy! We’re going to improve your life! Even if we have to take over the entire student body to do it!

_They fling him across the stage...where he lands at Nino’s feet_

Nino:   
MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE!

_A more livelier version of ‘Michael in the Bathroom’ plays_

Adrien: Michael!

Nino: I was in the audience, thinking, this is really good for a school play. Then I'm like, this is WAY too good for a school play! They've all been squipped, right?

Adrien: You came to see me in the play? 

Nino: Even brought my own refreshments!

_Nino pulls a bottle of Mountain Dew Red out of his hoodie pouch and holds it up in the air as an angelic choir vocalizes_

Adrien: Is that—

Nino: Mountain Dew Red. I told you I did my research.

Adrien: That’s great! Give it to me!

Nino: Okay. Wait. No.

_Nino shoves the bottle back in his hoodie pouch_

Adrien: But I need it!

Nino: And I need an apology. Bruh, I think that's in order, I mean, you treat me like I don't exist for months, blow me off when I try to help you—

Adrien: Fine! I'm—

Marc: Vocal cords: block!

_Suddenly Adrien is unable to speak_

Adrien: Saaaaa— Srrrrrr—

Nino: Seriously? Is it that hard to say sorry?

Adrien: YYYYEEEES! C'mon, man, this is important!

Nino: Well, this is important to me!

Adrien: It's a word!

Nino: It's a gesture! Gestures matter!

Adrien: You know something?

Nino: What?!

Nathaniel: Kung Fu fists: activate!

_Adrien begins kung-fu fighting Nino, who dodges and ducks as they argue_

Adrien: This is so you! You love to feel superior, just because you listen to music on vinyl and eat eel in your sushi and don't care about being popular!

Nino: Of course I care! I just know it's never gonna happen!

Adrien: So you resent me because I wouldn't give up like you did?

Nino: I don't resent you! I'm jealous you try!

Adrien: Well, I'm jealous you don't!

_Adrien tackles Nino to the floor, and punches him_

Nino: Then why are you hitting me?!

Adrien: I'm not trying to!

Nino: Then don't try harder!

Adrien: It's not me! It's – My – SQUIPS!

_He manages to pull himself away, and holds his head in pain_

Adriem: Ah! It's taking over my body! I need your help! MICHAEL, I'M SORRY!

_Nino runs to Adrien and tries to hold him down, but Adrien flails like a boy possessed. Kim enters on his crutches_

Nino: Jake! This is gonna sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?

_He tosses Kim the bottle_

Kim: Actually, that doesn't sound weird at all.

Nathaniel/Marc: Up up down down left right A!

Kim/Adrien: Aaahh!!

_Nathaniel and Marc lock eyes with Kim, who pours out the bottle and drops it on the floor. From the shadows appears Chloé, dressed in a yellow skater dress, a black leather jacket, and black pumps_

Nino/Adrien: NO!

Marc: Oh, Jeremy! Look what you’re making us make you do!

Kim:   
I WAS ALREADY PRETTY BOSS BEFORE! NOW I'M TOTALLY BOSS AND THEN SOME MORE!   
I'M LIVIN' THE UPGRAAAAADE!!

Plus, check this out.

_After a flick of Chloé’s wrist, Kim throws down his crutches to the floor_

Adrien: It healed your legs?

Kim: No!... But I can't feel the pain. It's awesome!   
LIVIN' THE UPGRADE, UPGRADE!   
GOD I LOVE ME!

_He runs offstage just as Myléne and Aurore enter. Behind them are Rose and Juleka, dressed in pink and purple jumpsuits, black heels, and black leather jackets_

Myléne/Aurore: There you are, Jeremy.

LA LA LA LA LA  
LA LA LA LA LA  
LA LA LA LA LA

Myléne: I just want you to know, I'm not mad you broke my heart and slept with my best friend.

Aurore: And I'm not mad you dated my best friend and wouldn't sleep with me.

Myléne: He didn't sleep with you?

Aurore: No!

Myléne: He didn't sleep with me!

Aurore: No!

Myléne/Aurore: Oh my God, why was I so jealous of you? You were jealous of me? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Sisters forever! JINX!

_The two girls hug_

Nino: Ugh.

Adrien: Michael! The bottle! There’s a few drops left!

Nino: How am I supposed to get past them?

Adrien: Apocalypse of the Damned. Level Nine...

Nino/Adrien: "The Cafetorium."

Nino: Got it.

_Nino performs an amazing feat of video game-style stealth that allows him to navigate past the Squip zombies and grab the bottle_

Nino/Adrien:   
FIND THE BAD GUY, PUSH HIM ASIDE, THEN MOVE ON FORWARD WITH YA FRIEND AT YOUR SIDE

IT'S A TWO PLAYER GAME, SO WHEN THEY MAKE AN ATTACK   
YOU KNOW YA GOTTA BROTHER GONNA HAVE YA BACK

THEN YA STAY ON TRACK, AND- AH!- REMAIN ON COURSE   
IF THEY GIVE YA SMACK YA- GAH!- USE YOUR FORCE

IF YOU LEAVE YOUR BROTHER BEHIND ITS LAME  
CUZ IT'S AN EFFED UP WORLD BUT IT'S A TWO-PLAYER GAME, HEY!

_Nino grabs the bottle_

Nino: Got it!

_Alya Césaire appears: the Final Boss. Next to her is Kagami, wearing all black. The only splash of color is her red choker necklace and studded belt_

Alya: I know what you're doing, Michael! I know what everyone's doing! ALL THE TIME!!!

Squip Zombies:   
I JUST FEEL SO CONNECTED TO YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Nino: Jeremy! Catch!

_Nino throws the bottle to Adrien… Just as the zombies descend on him_

Adrien: Michael! No!

_Alya approaches Nino with the beaker and forces him to drink the Squipped Mountain Dew. Nino yells out in pain and soon rises. He’s been Squipped_

Nino: Jeremy, buddy. Give us the bottle.

_Adrien tries to drink from the bottle, but Nathaniel and Marc are physically restraining him_

Marc: You don't want to drink that, Jeremy!

Adrien: Why not?!

Nathaniel: Because then you'll never be with her!

_The Squip Zombies part, to reveal Marinette. She looks radiant._

Marinette: Jeremy?

Adrien: ...Christine?

Marinette: Did you see me out there? The audience loved me!

Adrien: I... That's great! I mean, of course they did.

Marinette: I'm so glad I found you here. I wanted to apologize.

Adrien: You... Why?

Marinette: Because, silly. You were right. About how it feels. I feel... amazing!

_Luka approaches her from behind, wearing a dark blue shirt, black leather jacket, ripped black jeans, and black leather boots. Marinette has been Squipped_

Adrien: No!

Marinette:   
YOU ARE THE PERSON I WANT TO BE WITH EVERYDAY   
AND THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I'VE BEEN AFRAID TO SAY

Adrien: That is not Christine.

Nathaniel: We assure you it is!

Marc: Only her fears and insecurities have been removed.

Marinette:   
YOU'RE THE GUY I AM SO KINDA INTO

Students:   
(INTO)

Marinette:   
THE GUY I AM TOTALLY INTO

Students:   
(INTO)

Marinette:   
THIS FEELING IS NEW…

_Luke gives Marinette a little nudge towards Adrien. She wraps her hands around his shoulders_

Marinette:   
JEREMY, I LOVE YOU!

_Adrien looks at her in awe, and a tint of red appears on his cheeks._

Marc: That's your cue...

Adrien: She'll do whatever I want?

Nathaniel: That's what we promised.

Adrien: Great…

_He tilts his head down, and Marinette tilts her head up. They’re about to kiss... But at the last second, Adrien pulls away and hands Marinette the bottle_

Adrien: Drink this.

Nathaniel: Whoa! Wait! J-Jeremy! Think about what you're saying!

Marc: Jeremy, if she-!

_Marinette drinks the last sip… Nothing happens_

Adrien: How do you feel?

_Suddenly, Marinette's head snaps down, like a computer powering off_

Adrien: Uh... Christine?

Marinette: OW!

Adrien: Oh, God.

Kim/Mylène/Aurore: OW!

Adrien: Oh, God!

Nino/Alya/Max: OW!

Adrien: What did I do?!

Nino: You just deactivated the Squips!

Adrien: OW!

Nathaniel/Marc: NO!

_The Squipped students scream and collapse to the floor as the students playing the SQUIPS speak Japanese_

WATASHI WA NIHON KARA KIMASHITA! WATASHI WA NIHON KARA KIMASHITA! WATASHI WA NIHON KARA KIMASHITA!

_The spotlights go off one by one. Luka, Kagami, Chloé, Sabrina, Rose, Juleka, then finally Nathaniel and Marc..._


	21. Here’s a Poster!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Made by yours truly!
> 
> https://artzychic27.tumblr.com/post/632891840163725312/fran%C3%A7ois-dupont-plays-booksrbetterthanpeople


	22. Voices in my Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the big finale

_Adrien wakes up in a hospital bed. Next to him is Alix, asleep and wearing an arm and leg cast_

Adrien: Hello?

_He tries to get up_

Adrien: Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!

_Alix wakes up and speaks with a lisp_

Alix: Feels like you're missing a part of yourself, doesn't it?

Adrien: ...Rachel?... You have a lisp?

Alix: Yep. And when my Squip shut off? It hurt like a mother-fucker! Be honest: what are they saying about me at school?

_Adrien says nothing. She cringes_

Alix: That bad?

Adrien: Sorry...

Alix: Sorry? I should be thanking you! I'm finally free of that shiny happy hive mind! When I get outta here, the guys are gonna learn to love the real Rachel Goranski!... And the ladies… Oh my God, I'm totally Bi!

Adrien: Your squip's gone? But how?

Alix: Ask your buddy. Anti-social headphones kid? He's been by like, a ton, by the way. What is he, your boyfriend? No judgment. Just curious. Totally Bi. Remember?

_Nino enters. He looks to Alix and smiles_

Nino: I'm sure some special someone will be lucky to have you, Rachel.

Alix: Aw, you think?

_Nino pulls the hospital curtain shut on Alix_

Alix: Heeeey!

Adrien: What happened? All I remember is that noise, and...

Nino: Oh man, it was genius! We were communicating with each other – we were linked! Which means... when you consider the kind of high-frequency sonic disturbance needed to wipe a system that powerful...

Adrien: Michael. My head still hurts.

Nino: Right, ah... Turns out you didn't have to destroy every Squip. Just one. And the rest... (He mimes explosions) Boom!...

Adrien: … I don't get it... After everything I did... You were still there for me. Why?

Nino: I can't take all the credit. Your dad can be shockingly persuasive.

Adrien: My dad?

_Ivan enters. For the first time in the play, he is wearing real pants_

Ivan: Jeremy, are you okay?

Adrien: Actually, I'm great—

Ivan: I'm glad. Because you're grounded. You're going to see some serious changes, young man, starting... 

_Adrien grins_

Adrien: Dad... You're...wearing...

Ivan: Don't look so surprised. I'm your father. And I wear the pants around here! Now let's get down to business: who's this Christine person, and why did I have to hear about her from him?

Adrien: It doesn't matter. After what I did, I'm lucky if she wants to go to the same school as me.

_Nino and Ivan exchange a look_

Adrien: What?

Nino: It's reassuring. He still doesn't know anything about girls.

_Alix draws back the curtain and grins, revealing that she has been eavesdropping_

Alix: Need some advice?

Ivan:   
YOU GOTTA BUY HER A ROSE!   
COMPLIMENT HER ON HER CLOTHES!

Nino:   
SAY YOU APPRECIATE THAT'S SHE'S SMART!

Alix:   
NAH, MAN, YOU TELL HER THAT SHE   
EXCITES YOU SEXUALLY!

Ivan/Nino/Alix:   
AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU GET TO HER HEART!   
TRUST ME, I KNOW   
HOW IT'S GONNA GO   
LISTEN AND, OH—

Adrien:   
AND THERE ARE VOICES IN MY EAR   
I GUESS THESE NEVER DISAPPEAR

I'LL LET 'EM SQUEAL   
AND I WILL DEAL   
THEN MAKE UP MY OWN MIND

MIGHT STILL HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD   
BUT NOW THEY'RE JUST THE NORMAL KIND   
VOICES IN MY HEAD   
BUT NOW THEY'RE THE NORMAL KIND

_Adrien gets out of the hospital bed and the scene changes to the school. Adrien stops by his locker and is cornered by Alya, Aurore, Myléne and Kim. They surround him, menacingly_

Adrien: Heyyy guys... About what happened—

Kim: We've been looking for you, punk!... To say, good luck asking out Christine!

Adrien: Seriously, how does everyone know about that?

Aurore: It's crazy, but ever since we all did ecstasy at the school play, I've felt really connected to you guys.You tell him, Jenna.

Alya:   
JUST SUMMON STRENGTH FROM WITHIN!

Myléne:   
DON'T GET HUNG UP ON YOUR SKIN!

Aurore:   
SHE PROBABLY THINKS THAT ACNE IS HOT!

Kim:   
I'LL THROW YOU A ROPE, HOME SLICE!   
IF YOU NEED SOME DOPE ADVICE!

Alya/Myléne/Aurore/Kim:   
NOW MARCH ON OVER AND GIVE HER A SHOT!   
BUDDY, YOU'LL SEE   
IT'LL GO PERFECTLY   
IF YOU LISTEN TO ME ME ME!

Adrien:   
AND THERE ARE VOICES ALL AROUND   
AND YOU CAN NEVER MUTE THE SOUND   
THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT   
I TUNE THEM OUT   
THEN MAKE UP MY OWN MIND

MIGHT STILL HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD   
BUT NOW THEY'RE JUST THE NORMAL KIND   
VOICES IN MY HEAD   
BUT NOW THEY'RE THE NORMAL KIND

_Adrien walks over to Marinette, standing on the other side of the stage, deep in thought_

Adrien: Hey… So—

Marinette: I still remember how it felt.

Adrien: What?

Marinette: It was like you said. Like I'd never have to...not know...anything again. Who did yours look like?

Adrien: Calum Worthy and Rain Dove. Yours?

Marinette: Joan of Arc. It's embarrassing...

Adrien: Actually, that one's pretty good.

Marinette: ...to find out, deep down, I just want things to be easy.

Adrien: Yeah, but...who wants things to be hard? Look, I ruined the play. I almost destroyed the school, maybe all human civilization. I know the last thing I deserve is another shot. But I... Uh...

Marinette: Just say what's on your mind, Jeremy.

Adrien: … Lunch? Just the two of us.

Marinette:   
AND ANY VOICES IN OUR HEADS?

Adrien:   
THERE MIGHT BE VOICES IN OUR HEADS   
BUT I SWEAR   
THE VOICES THERE   
WILL BE THE REGULAR KIND

Marinette:   
ME AND THE VOICES IN MY HEAD HAVE MADE UP OUR COLLECTIVE MIND

Adrien:   
WHAT DO THEY SAY WE SHOULD DO?

Marinette:   
...I THINK THAT ALL OF US WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU...

Adrien: Woohoo!

_Adrien lifts Marinette up and spins her around as she laughs. The rest of the cast make their way over to them_

Everybody:   
AND THERE ARE VOICES IN MY HEAD!   
SO MANY VOICES IN MY HEAD AND THEY CAN YELL

AND HURT LIKE HELL   
BUT I KNOW I'LL BE FINE

Adrien:   
I STILL HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD   
THERE'S VOICES IN MY HEAD   
OF THE VOICES IN MY HEAD   
THE LOUDEST ONE IS MINE

Suddenly, Marc and Nathaniel appear with red circuits painted on their faces and clothes. Shuffling towards them, weak, but still alive

Nathaniel: Jeremy...

Adrien:   
THE LOUDEST ONE IS MINE!

Marc: You can't get rid of us that easy...

_Adrien confronts them and crosses his arms. As if banishing them_

Adrien:   
THE LOUDEST ONE IS MINE!

Nathaniel/Marc: Jerrrrrreeeemmmyyyyy!…

_The spotlight on them dims_

Everybody:   
NA NA NA NA NA NA   
NA NA NA NA NA NA   
NA NA NA NA NA NA...

Marinette: Ya ready?

Adrien: LET'S GO!

Marinette:   
C-C-C-C'MON   
C-C-C-C'MON   
LET'S GO!

Adrien:   
C-C-C-C'MON   
C-C-C-C'MON   
LET'S GO!

Adrien/Marinette:   
C-C-C-C'MON   
C-C-C-C'MON   
LET'S GO

_Adrien and Marinette walk past everyone. For now, at least, the only people that matter are each other_

Adrien/Marinette/Aurore/Myléne/Alya/Alix/Kim/Nino:   
C-C-C-C'MON   
C-C-C-C'MON   
LET'S GO

C-C-C-C'MON   
C-C-C-C'MON   
LET'S GO

C-C-C-C'MON   
C-C-C-C'MON   
LET'S

_Marinette and Adrien embrace each other, and finally kiss, making the audience and the cast go into a frenzy_

GO...!

OOOOOHHH! OOOOOHHH!

_The curtains close, and the audience continues cheering_


End file.
